Articles that I liked, but NewsThump didn't enough to publish them!
UK Government preparing for war against bankrupt country that doesn’t have enough money to go to war
3rd April 2017
UK Government plc is preparing to itself for war against a country that doesn’t have enough money for food, let alone war, in a bit of a spat over a medium-sized rock.
Ex-Conservative leader Michael Howard said the UK would be willing to defend Gibraltar in the same way it defended the Falklands 35 years ago, leaving Argentina bemused as they have never laid claim to the island.
Spain, all of whose tiny financial resources goes to the footballers of Real Madrid and Barcelona, seem confused by the UK Government’s threat.
Gibraltar voted overwhelmingly to stay in the EU during the referendum back in June 2016, when 48% of the UK voted to Remain and 52% didn’t understand the question.
Fictitious Spaniard Simos Juliamos said, “We are all a little confused here, as even if the government wanted us to pick up arms and fight, how would they motivate us?
“Spain’s unemployment rate is nearly 23% and home evictions number in the millions with our financial situation meaning people losing homes that they’ve lived in for decades. Quite how they would find anyone willing to go out and fight for a large rock off the coast of Africa is anyone’s guess.
“Besides, what are the chances of us winning when we all have a two-hour kip in the middle of the afternoon?
“At the end of the day, this is just a rock in some water. My nephew has probably skimmed bigger rocks into the canal.”
New single-celled synthetic organism created in lab already has intelligence of Trump voter
26th January 2017
Scientists have revealed that the new synthetic organism they’ve created in the lab already has the intelligence of the average Trump voter.
King Scientist, Simon Williams, said, “Creating this was a real breakthrough. Once we managed it we just stood there gawping completely in awe. But through that silence we could hear something, and when we put an ear trumpet towards this new life we’d created we heard it chanting ‘Trump! Trump! Trump!’.
“We were still a bit in awe, as it continued with some very basic sayings such as ‘Make American great again!’ and ‘I’m not racist but…’
“We thought that using synthetic DNA to expand an organism’s genetic code would pave the way for creating new and artificial life forms. However, an unexpected side-effect appears to be some very isolationist views from the amoeba-like supersubstance.
“Now, we’re not entirely convinced we’ve made as much progression as we’d thought.
“In fact, some of the failures are now seen as more beneficial to humanity.”
Mr Trump’s administration denied that there was a problem, saying that more than 1 trillion organisms were in the jar at the time of creation and that all scummy media reports were taken an hour beforehand.
Theresa May agrees to ‘prudent vajazzle’ before meeting Donald Trump
26th January 2017
Theresa May has booked herself in for a vajazzle before her meeting with President Trump.
Simone Williams, senior personal advisor to Mrs May, said, “Though Mrs May is an stringent advocate of women’s rights, she has taken counsel from her special advisors and have come to the opinion that it was prudent to undertake the painful procedure just in case Mr Trump keeps to his word by grabbing her inappropriately in a way suggested in his videos with professional misogynist Billy Bush.
“The advisors, myself among them, have decided that, despite Mr Trump’s patriarchal and chauvinistic stance on the matter, should such an eventuality indeed occur, it would be beneficial that Mrs May look her very, very best.
“That is, like a contestant from Love Island on ITV2.
“I can further confirm that Mrs Vanessa Wiggins, owner of Van’s Vaginals, Chigwell, has reserved an extended appointment for Tuesday 21st March starting at 10am and lasting until 3:30pm.
“The length of the appointment has been taken upon advice and, due to ‘prolonged unkemptness’, it has been professionally suggested we go for a ‘full Hollywood’, before proceeding with the rhinestone application and the subsequent bells and whistles.
“Which are literally to be bells and whistles.
“Mrs May will make no further comment on this matter.
“However, Michael Gove has offered to speak about his ‘frillywilly’ procedure.”
US roads set to hit safest levels ever after 35% tax threat on BMW and Audi
17th January 2017
American road safety campaigners are ecstatic after Donald Trump declared a potential 35% tax against car manufacturers BMW and Audi.
Often chastised with making decisions without due care and attention, arrogance and less than clear direction, Donald Trump was thought to have many synergies with both types of drivers.
However, it would appear that is not the case, with Trump forcing both manufacturers’ prices to levels that may seen no more customers.
American Road Safety campaigner, Simon Bob Williams, said, “This is great news for, well, people who used the traffic network, or walk alongside it in their important roles as pedestrians.
“We’ve used complex scientific analysis to model a road system with no BMW or Audis on the road and the results are quite surprising.
“The analysis showed that road safety levels were 100% safe with not a single person injured in any accident in the whole of the USA.
“This was very surprising, so we ran it again. And again. And again.
“In fact, regardless of starting conditions, if you take every single BMW or Audi off the road, everyone is completely and utterly safe. Period.
“As a bonus, noise pollution levels dropped almost to silence, as horns were no longer parped and incidents of everyone shouting ‘Asshole!’ dropped to negligible levels.”
BMW responded by pulling out without any warning whatsoever.
Controversial Trump strategist Darth Vader defended
14th November 2016
US President-elect Donald Trump has defended the choice of The Evil Empire's Darth Vader as chief strategist, calling him "The Force for good".
A number of critics have denounced Lord Vader as supporting evil supremacism.
But Mr Trump said this was "not the Darth Vader that I know", adding he was a "very, very smart person" and even that “a clever pun makes him piss his pants”.
The appointment of Vader is seen as an attempt by Mr Trump to improve links to the Republican establishment.
In a voice laced with gravitas, Mr Vader explained, “Many people believe that Mr Trump’s America will marginalise religious, racial and disabled minorities. However, as a black jedi with severe breathing difficulties, he is very supportive of me being part of his core team.
“Don’t worry, I’m perfectly placed to understand everyone’s concerns, both left and right. In fact, I’ll level with you: my kids are quite radical democrats.
“The Emperor -- sorry, I mean ‘Mr Trump’ -- sees himself as the “ultimate outsider”, problems I myself had with the Republic, when no-one gave me the respect I deserved.
“People have complained that we are promoting a radical conservative agenda, but that is simply not true.
“And anyone who disagrees I’ll choke to death just by moving my hands around.
"Or chop bits off them with my light sabre. Which is red. Proper Republican.
“Relations with other countries have already improved. And if they don’t, they’ll have our big, fuck-off laser-blasting metal moon to contend with.
“Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that. Don’t print that.”
Remembrance Day 2017 to commemorate those lost in World War 3
11th November 2016
People will brave the nuclear winter on 11th November 2017 in order to commemorate those lost in World War 3.
The spear-holding savages that remain will gather to loudly grunt and howl into the wind as a reminder of a long gone time when the sun was still visible and you didn’t have to battle for nuts and berries to survive.
Emperors Trump and Farage will speak publicly through primitive cardboard tube loudhailers to assert that had those who died fighting fought bravely to be free from tyranny and the right to live under national socialistic rule.
And those who disagreed would be beaten by their peers, as per The Rules before being thrown in the gulag with the other liberal leftie intelligentsia.
Herr Farage is planning to speak from the only speaking platform known left to exist in the Brand New World; the roof of a dilapidated old bus upon which remains an old proverb from the past soothsaying something about how there would be more of the long-lost concept of currency available for the apocryphal concept of 'health'.
He is expected to make an ironic joke about life expectancy being 80, over three times the current age, which none of the primitives will understand as ‘language is for the experts’, all of whom have since died out.
People will be unable to wear poppies, utilised as they are, solely for manufacturing of ‘people-control substances’ from Afghanistan.
Turkeys vote in favour of Christmas
9th November 2016
Turkeys have unexpectedly voted in favour of utter chaos in their enclosure and their own eventual slaughter.
The opposing party, You Can Live A Long Life in Relative Comfort Rather Than Moaning About Everything All The Time, conceded early this morning.
Simon Williams, a hard working disillusioned turkey, said “Well, we were just existing and alive but Christmas told us we'd have all the food we can eat for a whole year, followed by a huge party with, you know, all the trimmings!
“They also said they'll build a gigantic wall to keep foxes out. I mean, it was obvious to everyone that foxes always get under the fence, but it was said with such gusto that we all believed it!
“Just look around here: there are chickens everywhere. They’re taking pretty much all our jobs: Sunday roasts, sandwich, caesar salad. Now, I’m not poutryist, but Christmas is promising that we won’t have to worry about them anymore.
“People said that we’re now the ugly face of the animal kingdom. Well, I say to that: we were already the ugly face of the animal kingdom, so what have we got to lose.”
Brexiters to take High Court decision to European Court of Justice
4th November 2016
Brexiters are taking the mind-boggling decision of taking on their own country’s legal system by raising it with a body who they want no further dealings with to ask them to give them their own country back.
The case will put the ‘country’s own decision’ to leave the EU in the hands of the very body it wants to leave itself, making a mockery of the sovereignty about which they were lied to in the first place.
Brexiter Simon Williams has been crowdfunding to take the case to the EU. “At first, I thought: ‘Well, that’s it, isn’t it? It might as well be written on the side of a bus.’
“But then I thought. Wait a minute, we’re still in the EU. And there would be a delicious irony - not something I’ve ever experienced before - if I took it to the European Court of Justice. Then I could throw it back in the faces of the Remainiacs, who have been doing something similar for the last 24 hours.
“Funnily enough, the campaign can only afford to take place because the High Court decision made the pound worth enough to be able to proceed.
“See? I *do* understand irony, after all!
“Let’s face it. The European Court of Justice probably has loads of time, doesn’t it? As far as I understand, it spends all its time making bananas straight, so a legal case would be something a bit different for them.
“You know. If they gave a flying Kahuna Burger.”
Southerner continues to live for 2 years after surgical head removal
17th October 2016
A southerner has not astounded doctors at all by living for two years after his head was removed by surgery and continuing to live with no discernible difference to his existence.
Due to the threat of smugness levels rising, the operation was thought to be too risky for a Southern doctor to undertake, making Northern doctor Simon Williams responsible for the head removal, which he performed with gusto using piano wire. No anaesthetic was required as the patient was already in a bemused state having travelled past Watford and not fallen into the sea.
He said, “At first we thought something was seriously wrong as he was just running around shouting “Appews an’ pears! Appews an’ pears!” and being unable to pronounce ‘glass’ properly. But then his wife confirmed that was exactly the same as what he did before the op.
“In fact, there has been no difference to his opinions, original thoughts or aspirations at all. The only real difference we’ve been able to spot is that he’s slightly more affluent, on account of no longer having to buy preposterous hats.
“I’m surprised he’s still alive to be honest. Not because of the head removal, but because his sense of entitlement has risen to levels never seen before. Because of that, we’re pretty sure he’ll implode long before his lack of head is a problem.”
The man agreed to having his head removed due to his lack of cultural identity; a serious affliction affecting 100% of southerners.
Poundland in price war with suppliers
13th October 2016
Poundland has today stopped selling dozens of its unfamous, non-household brands because of a dispute with its biggest supplier, Unbranded.
The supplier wants to increase prices in the UK to compensate for the sharp decrease in the value of the pound, but Poundland is resisting that move.
Products currently absent from Poundland stores are one-pound each Halloween goods, multi-packs of Snaps and those biscuits that you never see anywhere else.
Poundland CEO, Simon Williams, said, “Customers will simply lose confident in our brand if we are seen to be held to ransom by our suppliers.
“Any profit made on these price increases would be more than offset by having to rebrand the entire business to ‘One Pound Ten’-Land.
“And where would that stop? For the next two years, we’d be constantly rebranding until the whole Brexit process is stable.
“Obviously, we could call ourselves ‘Euroland’, but that wouldn’t go down well with just over half of customers and the pricing would still be erratic, changing daily.
“In retrospect, yes, I can see where our problems started.”
99p stores country-wide are shitting themselves.
Theresa May denies Brexit ‘shambles’ claim, in preference for ‘farce’
12th October 2016
Theresa May has denied Jeremy Corbyn’s claims that Brexit is a ‘shambles’, saying it is ‘merely only a complete and utter farce’ so far.
Mrs May said, “This is obviously not a ‘shambles’ yet. No bank has failed and we’re delicately teetering on the edge of the precipice, rather than falling off it, which are the official definitions of ‘shambles’.
“So far, it’s only a ‘complete and utter farce’ at best.
“‘Shambles is the next step of the plan, followed by a ‘palaver’, as the currency becomes worthless, then a ‘calamity’ as I fire all three Brexiteers at fault without replacing adequately them, and all the way up to a ‘debacle’ where no-one has a house, can’t afford food and has to eat the family pet to survive.
“Then, and only then, I will declare a state of ‘pandemonium’.”
Boris Johnson said, “Well, to be quite honest, that’s a much better plan than I have.”
New F1 cars to be pram-shaped to help Hamilton toy-throwing
9th October 2016
Next season's Mercedes Formula 1 cars will be shaped like prams to make Lewis Hamilton’s job of throwing out his toys much easier.
The richest driver in F1, who doesn't have to pay tax whilst flying all around the world with his stunning pop superstar girlfriend to drive the fastest cars, has complained that the whole world is against him including, but not limited to, his team, the media, Mother Nature, Karma and ’especially that bastard Nico Rosberg who drives consistently better than me. What a cunt.’
Some toys are included in the designs but a number of others will be introduced during the season for playboy Hamilton, to dampen his inevitable complaints that ‘these toys are simply not good enough to be thrown from my pram. In fact, this pram is flawed aerodynamically in a number of ways.
‘Number one - it’s a pram!’
Mercedes F1 Executive Director Toto Wolff said “We've bent over backwards to prove to Lewis we are not against him with this completely bespoke design, where our finest engineers have worked in conjunction with the pram guy at Mamas and Papas.
“Nowhere within this pram - sorry I mean car - is there a point from which you can’t project toys, though we still anticipate Lewis hitting the side of it and it falling back in.
“For this reason, there is a large flat area for him to lie down flat on his front and enough room for him to pummel his fists into the ground, stamping his feet screaming that it’s ‘so unfair’, ‘nobody loves me!’ and that ‘not even the kids in war-torn Aleppo have to put up with this!’
F1 owner Bernie Ecclestone said, “Unfortunately, it’s down to the noise of the new engines. In the old days, you wouldn’t have been able to hear Lewis moaning on for the roar of the exhaust.”
When asked for comment on the antics of his team-mate, Nico Rosberg acted like an adult.
Single issue party baffled after single issue achieved
5th October 2016
UKIP are internally confused after the single issue they stood for was confirmed to be going ahead with the triggering of Article 50 by the end of March, culminating in the long-expected resignation of Diane James.
With some small-minded, xenophobic heads literally exploding with the incomprehension of it all, UKIP must now decide on a new single policy to relentlessly bang on about continuously for the next however many years.
UKIP Campaign Manager Simon Williams, said, “Well, yes, it is a bit confusing to be quite frank - and we always are - but we expected to just go ‘Immigration, Immigration, Immigration!’ for the entirety of our existence. Actually seeing that Brexit will happen is extremely baffling for all of us.
“We had a meeting last week where people put forward proposals for a new single issue. We had many, many suggestions ranging from a new roundabout at the top of Yeovil High Street to only allowing blue shoes to Sooty officially being declared a deity, the theme tune to ‘Bonanza’ being the new national anthem, carrots being banned, carrots being mandatory, all the way through to a complete ban on the word ‘the’.
“Needless to say, not a single idea was repeated by any two members, as is our inimitable style. Nor would anyone second any of the ideas, steadfastly sticking to only their own.
“It appears that right-wing people are quite arrogant and stubborn. Who’d have thought?
“Anything we do pick, needs to fit into a chant, ideally three words long and the same word three times, as any sort of slogan is basically too much for our brains to take. We’d end up chanting it wrong and not giving the impression of internal unity people think we have.”
UKIP will nominate new candidates for a leader as soon as they have agreed on a venue, expected to be around 2034.
‘Even balls’ corrupt in modern football
29th September 2016
After allegations arose that football is completely rotten to the core, it has transpired that the balls, the posts and even the pitches are receiving ‘brown envelope’ benefits for match-fixing.
Long thought to be true by fans up and down the country, the allegations were sensationally released by a popular broadsheet newspaper in exchange for extraordinary financial gain this morning.
Ball Simon Williams was recorded on hidden camera declaring, “Don’t listen to these players, these managers, even these referees - it’s me that dictates the result at the end of the day. They’re just the middle-men. I’m literally where the action happens.
“I can come down very hard on someone if I want to... and make them head it wrongly. I can lean this way or that and dictate which side of the post I fly. And if I really put the effort in, I can become really, really heavy so when even Cristiano Ronaldo runs up to kick me, well, he’ll basically break his foot.
“What do I want? Well, just a really fluffy towel to dry off with. No more than that. Maybe a nice glass case at the Museum of Football.”
Williams ego and arrogance was evident as he said, “No-one can catch me, mate. Least of all Joe Hart.
“You don’t give me what I want? Then I'll make it so Sergio Aguero scores another hat trick and I go to live in his house with all the other footballs.”
Pitch Simon Williams was also recorded, saying, “Yeah, I can make the ball bounce a little more to the left, a bit more to the right. Whatever you want really. Just water me a little more each day and I’ll see what I can do.”
Speaking to undercover journalists, former Old Trafford stopwatch Simon Williams was heard to say, “Yeah, I’d make time slow down to whatever was required because of a deal where Sir Alex Ferguson would give me new batteries every week.
“And not just cheap ones: these were full ‘Duracell Bunny’ ones!”
The corruption is thought to extend down to the fans reading this article and even the football journalists reporting on the story, inevitably ending its natural conclusion: the universe bending in upon itself and exploding, thus starting a new Big Bang with the whole sorry saga repeating itself to infinity.
Smug journalist already submits ‘not as bad as everyone thinks’ review of C4’s Great British Bake Off
22nd September 2016
A smug TV reviewing journalist has already submitted her review of Channel 4’s Great British Bake Off, declaring it ‘not as bad as everyone has made it out to be’, in an effort to be controversial and mount up social media hits.
Firmly believing that ambition and contrarianism are one and the same thing, freelancer Simone Williams’ review already states, “The loss of Mary is not as bad as everyone thought it would be, with [INSERT NAME OF NEW CAKE EXPERT HERE] already showing that they can pull no punches with the authority of the previous master baker.
“And the comedy from [WHICHEVER DOUBLE ACT TAKES OVER FROM MEL AND SUE] is already much funnier than Mel and Sue ever managed, whose innuendo was, let’s face it, getting to be very old hat.
"The [LIGHT / CHEEKY / RUDE / INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE / BORDERLINE RACIST] humour in this series is just the shot in the arm Bake Off kneaded [HA!!] after going stale [HA!] over the previous seven years.
“It’s clear that Paul Hollywood - who should be revered, not reviled - was the real star of the show anyway, with Mary, Mel and Sue just hanging on to his incredible charisma, bravado and unique way of pausing inexplicably between words for absolutely no reason.
“The peril instigating during yesterday’s episode one, when plainly idiotic contestant [INSERT CONTESTANT’S NAME HERE], who had never baked before, [COULDN’T GET THE OVEN OPEN / ACCIDENTALLY GRILLED HIS BISCUITS / BURNT DOWN THE TENT], was the perfect antidote the tedious BBC version.
“6 stars. In[cr]edible!”
People appalled by Sports Direct working conditions still want cheap sporting goods
20th September 2016
People who are outraged by Sports Direct’s working conditions still want to purchase cheap sports goods, a survey revealed today.
Hypocrite Simon Williams said “Morally, I'm deeply offended by this prime example of capitalism in action but, economically speaking, there's no way I could afford to play golf without an 80 quid set of clubs.
“And tennis academy for four kids is expensive enough, without having to pay full price for rackets. 4 for £20 is a right bargain!
“if the prices were higher, they'd have to go out and get jobs. And there's no way I'd let them work somewhere like Sports Direct.
“So, basically, I'm willing to tolerate Sports Direct’s employees having appalling working conditions as it stops my kids becoming employees at Sports Direct and having appalling working conditions.
Williams paused pensively for as moment before adding, “You know, I think I might vote Tory at the next election.”
Brexit talks to take longer due to Brexiteers’ insistence on speaking loudly to be understood
15th September 2016
Negotiations with the EU about Brexit are expected to take at least 12 months longer due to Brexiteers’ insistence that we use English and speak very loudly so Bobby Foreigner can understand properly.
Professor of Contrarianism and eminent Leave supporter Simon Williams says, “As a country we’ve never really got to grips with speaking a different language. So, now we’re leaving, there’s really no point putting the effort in.
“We might as well just shout our own language until we’re understood. You know, like we do on holiday.
“To be quite honest, I think we should make it as difficult as possible for Johnny EU to let us leave and that will really hit home about us wanting to go it alone.
“Yes, it means we have to stay in the EU a lot longer, but it’s really to show we’re our own people. You have to stay in so that they really know we don’t want to be in.
“All this might seem counter-intuitive, but what we showed over the whole campaign is that we’re the masters of contradiction and it’ll still all end up okay in the end.”
Fellow Leave campaigner Eleanor Gay added, “No, it won’t.”
Samsung Galaxy Note 8’s new features include invoking apocalypse
11th September 2016
The next generation of Samsung's popular phablet will include the ability to invoke various forms of the apocalypse in addition to the fire-breathing capabilities of its previous incarnation.
Super hurricane, mega tsunami, Earth-shattering Richter 10 earthquake and killer robots from the future are all available alongside fundamentalist religious war and a terrifying mutant zombie infection.
They can be easily invoked by starting Samsung's own ‘S-Judgment Day’ app, which sits right next to ‘Messaging’ on the default home screen.
Samsungphile Simon Williams, 39, excitedly tweeted, “Ever since Samsung burned down my house and cooked my cockapoo with the Note 7’s capabilities I have been creaming my pants with what they'll do next. This is beyond exciting. #Can’tWait.”
Irish Apple fan Eleanor Gay is slightly more concerned, “Once again, this is just brazen one-upmanship from the Korean firestarters. The wonderful Apple have given us a time travelling tax avoidance app so Samsung have to outdo us.
“I mean ‘them’.
“Anyway, I'm sure this is based upon Apple technology as usual, so expect to see the four horsemen in a multi-billion civil court proceedings soon.”
Samsung's Fire Safety Officer declined to comment.
People who ‘even think about’ BBC now liable for licence
2nd September 2016
The BBC plans to charge people the licence fee, even if they only acknowledge its existence, in new measures designed to further delay its inevitable Pay-Per-View (PPV) model.
Though PPV is generally seen as the fairest broadcast model in the long run, rather than running a complex, expensive and overwrought licencing model, the corporation is determined to avoid this route in order to satisfy its many-layered managerial structure.
Senior Junior Senior Middle Middle Senior Junior Senior Management Executive for Junior Senior Management (Junior) Simon Williams says, “The corporation has cut back almost as far as it’s possible to cut back, and is widely regarded as THE most efficient business of all businesses with a 247-level middle management pyramid.
“The way we see it is that charging people who discuss, mention in passing, or even think about the BBC, is much fairer than any other alternative.
“I mean, if nothing else, everyone who’s reading this article will be liable, won’t they?
“And don’t think for one minute think we haven’t evaluated this properly. Each and every one of the 424,000 overpaid executives we have at the BBC spent hundreds of thousands of man-hours sat in large, luxurious, interior designer-furnished offices and deliciously-catered conferences rooms scoffing canapes whilst quaffing the most expensive champagne and couldn’t think of an alternative.
“And not just there, but during their chauffeur-driven limousines and first class flight journeys both to and from their busy three-hour days at Broadcasting House.”
“Nothing else made a modicum of sense. How do we get people to fairly pay per each viewing? Nothing springs immediately to mind, let me tell you.”
The BBC have also applied to trademark the individual letters B and C and charge for each individual use across the multiverse.
‘Not being a wanker’ hinders investment banking hopefuls
1st September 2016
Bright youngsters are being turned away from investment banks because they are not complete and total wankers, a report has found.
Candidates who speak normally, don’t slag off those less privileged and don’t know anyone called Tarquin regularly fall foul of investment banking ‘codes of conduct’, the Bankers Are Wankers Commission found.
Firms recruit for front office roles from a few elite wankery universities and only hire those who hit certain ‘twattish’ standards, it said.
Chairman and wanker, Simon Williams, said “arcane culture rules” were locking out non-wankers out of City jobs.
He continued, “The banking industry has made significant strides to improve social mobility at all levels: from the heights of the very, very highest levels of aristocracy, to the horrific depths of only the very highest level of aristocracy and everywhere in between.”
The report’s authors found that managers placed as much importance on a person’s ability to make a waitress feel utterly, utterly shit with themselves as it is to spend £4,500 on an after-dinner cigar.
One candidate, from a ‘non-privileged background’, revealed the feedback he received at an interview.
“He said: ‘What the fuck have you come for an interview for? To work here, you have to get given a job by Pater, or your brother, or, at the very least, a friend of the family! You disgust me! Get out of my sight!”
“What kind of industry is this where I can be told I’m not wankery enough? I’ve worked my hardest to be an utter wanker all my life and now I’m distraught to find out I’m not enough of a cunt because of where I come from. The bastards.”
Saido Berahino promises to draw out transfer window sagas until West Brom testimonial
31st August 2016
Professional footballer and moaning machine Saido Berahino has promised to draw out his long-running will-he-won’t-he transfer dramas until his testimonial season at West Brom in 2023.
Traditionally a loud affair intended to generate lots of money, Berahino made his professional debut for West Brom in the 2013-14 season.
Football transfer historian, Simon Williams, explains, “Testimonials are awarded to football club’s most loyal servants after 10 years’ service in order to fund their early retirement, even if they moan and whinge throughout every transfer window, complaining how nobody loves them and how they can’t afford to pay £2,000 for a loaf of bread. You know, that their butler told them it cost.
“But the tradition has become increasingly rare as football has changed to accommodate the enormous pockets of mouthy agents, necessitating the requirement for numerous, overinflated transfer fees for the most mediocre of talents.”
The former goal machine is aiming to break the World Record for the longest drawn-out transfer saga, currently held by Cristiano ‘at least he’s good’ Ronaldo, which spanned three years in the early tenties, before he eventually buggered off to Real Madrid for £80m.
University of Michael Gove inundated with applications for ‘non-expert’ degree
18th August 2016
A new ‘free’ university started by Michael Gove has been inundated with applications for a degree teaching people how to avoid being an expert in anything at all.
The degree, in which studies of any subject for more than a single lecture are prohibited, aims to extend the doctrine that the country has had enough of experts and will go out of its way to avoid awarding any B.A. (Hons) in Non-Expertitude.
Supreme penis and founder, Michael Gove, says “This country has had enough of teaching people to be skilled in any one thing, when what they needs is ignorance across many, many faculties simultaneously.
“Yes, they could get that from ITV, but then there is severe risk they would become experts in sitting on the sofa and/or eating Pickled Onion Monster Munch. And no-one needs an expert in that.
“Making Great Britain great again is all about not having big buildings everywhere, full of experts, teaching the next generation to be experts.
“It’s about teaching the next generation to know nothing about anything. If we’ve learnt nothing else, it’s that. Nothing.”
The University will charge a random amount of thousands per term, as charging a consistent amount will be ‘bowing to experts in finance, the massive idiots, who have never proven anything in all of historical history.’
When asked if this business model will work, Mr Gove continued lamenting, “A business model is, by definition, the work of experts, on whose knowledge I refuse to acknowledge.
“Financially, this will definitely work out, as I’ve recruited the most average of people who have done lots of different jobs at the job centre, especially picked from those who jack stuff in after only half an hour. Those people are exactly the people we need to run a large institution.
Vision Express seeks to trademark ‘should of’ catchphrase
16th August 2016
Optician group Vision Express has had its plan to trademark the use of the heinous abomination ‘should of’ approved by the UK Intellectual Property Office.
Whilst Specsavers, famous for their ‘should’ve gone to Specsavers’ catchphrase, have been similarly successful in their attempts to trademark ‘should’ve’ - ridiculous in principle but at least correct grammatically - high street rivals Vision Express have jumped on the bandwagon to trademark the popular, but heinous, alternative ‘should of’ in a bid to instead catch the grammatically-challenged’s eyewear needs.
Top grammar nazi Simon Williams says, “This is frankly disgraceful. People who use ‘should of’, like those who use ‘would of’ and ‘could of’, aren’t using their eyes correctly anyway, so what’s the point in providing them with corrective eyewear?
“What they actually urgently need is not glasses, but a dictionary of English usage and a fucking education.”
When asked for comment, Education Secretary Justine Greening said, “Do I have to comment on this? I am bound to be in all sorts of shit very soon for something I say or do about teachers, so I’d rather not comment.
“Plus, I’m not entirely sure which is correct anymore. You should see the notes Nicky Morgan left on the desk. It's more than obvious she didn’t even know right from left.”
Owen Smith promises knighthood to ‘everyone’
8th August 2016
Labour leadership challenger Owen Smith has promised a knighthood to every single UK citizen who doesn’t already have one.
“The honours system has been fundamentally misused by governments for time immemorial. The worst example of which was recently by David Cameron and his acts of blatant cronyism.
“The best way to undermine that abuse of power is to just give everyone a knighthood, so we’re all on an even keel.
“Obviously, for bureaucratic reasons, everyone needs a reason to receive one, so you might get one for queuing, complaining about the weather, or services to smoking, but ‘watching TV’ will also be enough.
“This applies even if you don’t own a TV licence.
“‘Not watching TV’ will be equally as good, in case you don’t own one.
“I’ve asked my closest allies - Sir Dad and Dame Mum - and they agree with me. So I’ve had to give them a CBE too.
“It makes complete logical sense if you think about it. This method makes it much easier to take the honours away if they, say, hijack a pension fund or kiddie fiddle.
When asked if he thought this would diminish worthy work previously done by people, Mr Smith responded, “Not really. I mean, obviously the only person who really deserves any recognition in that respect is Sir David Attenborough, for his years of sterling work talking over the top of wildlife films.
“But we’ll just call him Sir Sir David Attenborough and leave it at that.”
Turkey coup crackdown extends to every single person in Turkey
20th July 2016
Every single person in Turkey has been rounded up, sacked or suspended from their jobs by Turkey's ‘government’ in the wake of last week's failed coup.
The purge of those deemed disloyal to President Recep Tayyip Erdogan widened on Tuesday to include basically everyone except the President himself, though he remains suspicious of his own intentions.
The remaining government of one says the entire country is allied to US-based cleric Fethullah Gulen, who denies claims he directed the uprising saying it is merely a case of a nervous breakdown.
The preacher has been accused of leading a "terrorist organisation", though he responds it is rather a “country with an acutely paranoid president”.
Turkey is pressing the US to extradite Mr Gulen and all other Turkish nationals, people of Turkish descent and anyone who once had Turkish Delight in order that they can throw them into overcrowded prisons. Mr Erdogan is expected to be all the prison guards, the warden, the entire Turkish stock market and run the convenience stores, where he will serve only himself.
A spokesman for the US said a decision on whether or not to extradite would be made under a treaty between the two countries, but Mr Erdogan will have to pick them up himself, by piloting a Turkish Airlines plane and simultaneously acting as air marshall and stewardess.
When questioned via SnapChat, President Erdogan overreacted that anyone who reads this article is clearly in cahoots with the coup and should be dealt with swiftly.
Theresa May tops single charts with ‘Gove Don’t Live Here Anymore’
14th July 2016
New UK Prime Minister Theresa May has outsold her nearest competitor in the hit parade with her rushed recording of ‘Gove Don’t Live Here Anymore’, and reimagining of the classic Rose Royce hit.
She had already recorded the lyrics as a testament to ten-times winner of World’s Biggest Bastard, Michael Gove, and after a rushed recording session, released it this morning.
Boris Johnson performs backing vocals and performs an ad-hoc ‘bumblin’ rap’ during the bridge between verses 8 and 9. He appears ecstatic in the music video, literally dancing around for the entire three-hour duration and singing with supreme gusto during the line ‘You abandoned me!’
The song was downloaded 17,410,742 times in the first five minutes. The delay was believed to be down to some people having not finished their cup of tea so hadn’t yet logged on to a news website.
The final verse laments his use of puppets, particularly Nicky Morgan, who responded by open and closing her mouth, but no sounds coming out.
Letts’ notes for Chilcot Report top Amazon bestseller list
6th July 2016
The Letts’ revision guide for the 2.6 million-word Chilcot Report have immediately flown to the top of the bestseller list on autocratic bookfuhrer Amazon.
Much like a GCSE literature book, no-one can be arsed reading the entire thing and have taken to cribbing the general gist via the 32-page overview - 20 of which consist of only pictures - before making their well-informed feelings known on social media about the whole thing.
‘Reader’ Simon Williams says, “I’ve never read a whole book ever, only the study guides and find them much more interesting. Mainly because I don’t have to understand plot, metaphor, simile and even all that shit like semi-colons and commas.
“Just give it to me straight. You know, like what The Sun does.
“I read the notes and basically they say ‘There was a war which might have been right or wrong, but was probably wrong, if there weren’t some reasons for it being right. Which there might have been, depending on your point of view.
“Then it said it was something about the Russian Revolution and the cartoon animals were more equal than others. Or something.
“Actually, that might have been a different non-book I read last week.
“Anyway, I then felt I understood it and was totally justified in publishing my belief that Tommy Bear was a war criminal on Twitter because, you know, posting on Facebook takes up too much time, with their longer word limit.”
When asked what he thought of the Report itself, Williams added, “At the end of the day, I’m a decision-maker. And a decision had to be made.
“So I sat on the fence.”
Michael Gove faces legal challenge at attempts to steal ‘bellend’ status from Jeremy Hunt
1st July 2016
Jeremy Hunt has launched legal proceedings to preserve his ‘bellend’ status, despite obvious attempts from Michael Gove to overthrow him in the role.
Mr Hunt angrily proclaimed, “This is typical of Gove, stabbing me in the back. Which is unfortunate, as there are no surgeons around to extract it.”
In true capitalist fashion, Mr Gove is already facing a Competition and Markets Authority investigation after cornering the market as a ‘penis’, a ‘right dick’, ‘megalomaniacal twat’, ‘evil bastard’ and ‘death-defying cunt-bucket’ and is expected to take exclusive use of all remaining insults over the course of next few days.
Unfortunately, there is very little left for others, such as former ‘clown’ and ‘buffoon’ Boris Johnson, who faces being left simply as ‘Mr’, entirely against his wishes.
This is closely aligned with Gove’s policy of taking everything for himself and leaving nothing for others.
Treacherous bastard Mr Gove originally denied betraying Mr Hunt, erroneously stating, “I do not have what it takes and I do not have the qualities to be a ‘bellend’.”
However, later on yesterday, he changed his mind, saying, “Events since last week have weighed heavily with me. I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that Jeremy cannot provide adequate bellendery. I have therefore, decided to put my name forward for the role.”
UrbanDictionary.com reports the word ‘Gove’ has been added to over 258,000 definitions on its website.
Millions of Brexiteers contacting Citizens Advice Bureau about ‘cooling off period’
27th June 2016
Millions of ‘Leave’ voters have enquired about ‘cooling off periods’ since last Friday, says the Citizens Advice Bureau.
The bureau, missing an apostrophe in all its literature, has been overrun with claims of misselling after the barely-publicised EU referendum result.
Ill-informed ‘Leave’ voter, Simon Williams, 43, says, “This whole thing has been a complete sham. I expected the Leave campaign to have had some sort of plan for this eventuality.
“I mean, they were all singing from the same hymnsheet, weren’t they? All right, not hymnsheet, but same prayerbook at least. But certainly not a different book, like the Torah or the Qur’an.
“What I’ve done here is basically bought a box with nothing in it! It has not been ‘sold as seen’!
“As per when you buy a washing machine or something, you should get 14-days to change your mind.
“There must be some EU law stopping this kind of thing,” he added, with no trace of irony whatsoever.
Eleanor Gay, spokesperson for the Citizens Advice Bureau, said, “The government have a duty of care to at least make some sort of attempt at giving an inkling about how all this is going to happen.
“If not, the complainants may have legal redress at getting some or all of their vote back.
“However, this may prove difficult practically as, crucially, most of the votes were cast using a pen. And, as we well know, not even MI5 can rub out pen.”
Britain wakes up in fairytale Disney movie
24th June 2016
The UK woke up this morning to bright sunshine and the smell of beautiful flowers, with cartoon birds singing happily outside, with their arms around the cats, who were harmonising.
It is the day Fairytale Queen Michael Gove - who made the important, never-to-be-forgotten point that ‘people in this country have had enough of experts' - is to be crowned, as everything is absolutely fine and gloriously dandy with the whole country.
EU Health & Safety-breaching Magic lanterns were released, whilst choirs chorused beautifully. Any periods of instability will now be rectified by the policy of the princess getting together with the handsome prince, solving all economic-, terrorism- and immigration-related problems in one fell swoop.
All was happy and the sound of people humming ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ could be heard all the way to the border, where imposing, xenophobic, armed guards were punching bastard foreigners into The Channel.
“It’s amazing,” said evil witch Simone Williams, “The National Health Service was miraculously running perfectly this morning. It was a right fucking mess last night went I went home, but this morning, all the doctors looked well rested, there were enough of them, and they were waving wads of cash around.
“There didn’t appear to be any illnesses and apparently someone had not only cured cancer overnight, but also made a very generous donation to all the failing pension funds across the country.
“Even the hospital’s branch of Starbucks had apparently paid their tax bill.
"Even all the weeds had died.
“I’m sure there were many more things, but some thugs ejected me from the premises and took me to the edge of the sovereign state where I was thrown off a cliff for ‘not looking right’”
People who have been told to ‘go fuck themselves’ about to do exactly that by Voting Leave
22nd June 2016
Members of society who have in the past been told to ‘go fuck themselves’ are preparing to do exactly that by voting to leave the European Union.
In a bizarre display of defining the word ‘literally’, they are voting in favour of destroying their own finances, affecting their, their children’s and their grandchildren’s quality of life and are preparing themselves to complain about how their pension is not worth as much as it could be despite the fact their vote directly caused the upcoming financial crisis.
Simon Williams, Remain supporter, is regretting his choice of catchphrase - ‘Go fuck yourself!’ - seriously, “I didn’t really even knew what that meant to be honest. If it were even possible! I had this image of someone trying to bend their anatomy round to their-- Anyway, it turns out they can do it by just putting their signature - sorry, I mean ‘an X’ -- in the wrong box.
“So these people, some of whom are racist, some of whom are merely extremely suggestible when hearing all manner of lies and some of whom, let’s face it, are idiots - that’s not just mudslinging, that’s actually based upon their IQs - are all going to screw their financial futures when the value of their pension drops or goes bust or their employer or their business goes bust and they’ll lose their car, then their house, their savings and finally their kids when they're homeless.
"The savings won’t be worth a jot as the pound devalues and we suffer hyperinflation, meaning that they’ll have to use fifty pounds notes to wank on to - LITERALLY fucking themselves - because it’ll be worth less than the toilet paper.”
In the interests of balance, we asked Eleanor Gay, Leave campaigner, for her take, “Look! It IS here in the dictionary! Right after 'gull' and before 'gully'! See!?”
Hooligan exclusion threat means Scotland favourites to win Euro 2016
19th June 2016
Due to threats against every single nation at Euro 2016 for violence, hooliganism or flare-throwing, Scotland have been made favourites to win Euro 2016.
The international squad, who did not even qualify for the final tournament, hope to emulate Denmark in 1992, who were all on holiday 10 days before that event started, but ended up winning when Yugoslavia suddenly ceased to exist.
“This is great news!” exclaimed Simon McWilliams. “I often thought the only way we were ever going to win anything - even a single game - was to be awarded something by default. And not giving the players the chance to actually mess things up feels good. REALLY good!
“The fact is that our downfall appears to be entirely down to technical ability and winning - or even drawing - football matches seems to be beyond us.”
UEFA’s initial threat of expulsion to Russia and England - resulting in the single most boring point of the competition so far: direct-to-camera appeals from Roy Hodgson and Wayne Rooney - has backfired severely as they have had to extend the threat to every one of the 24 nations to retain consistency; not a problem UEFA has ever had to worry about before.
Croatia fans have been the primary cause of the flares problem. French fashion police were called in to deal with the problem, whilst explosive devices were thrown over their heads.
UEFA to be disqualified from Hooliganism 2016
17th June 2016
UEFA will be thrown out of Hooliganism 2016, if their fans continue to refuse to cause trouble, say the Russia Football Union (RFU).
UEFA have been fined 150,000 roubles for their failure of a single punch being thrown off the pitch surrounding the game between Austria and Hungary yesterday.
A Russian police operation to arrest 40 suspected ‘extreme pacifists’ is under way in France and being teetotal has been completely banned on the streets of Lens.
However, the RFU has praised England, with spokesman Cymon Villiamski, saying, “Big props to British government for sending more police officers trained in serious xenophobia to the tournament.
“These are world leading racists and they are not scared of giving out a clobbering during a riot. It’s exactly what Hooliganism 2016 needed: a good kick up the backside. Followed by a solid kicking as it lay on the floor, a stamping on the head, then serious surgery in a Parisian hospital as it lies in critical condition."
UEFA are allowed to appeal the decision but are not expected to. Villiamski continues, “They won’t, because they are either scared shitless or will be beaten shitless. But the end result remains the same.”
Both England manager Roy Hodgson and captain Wayne Rooney have been widely condemned for appealing for peace, with reports that English midfield prodigy Dele Alli reportedly ‘well up for a fight if someone pisses me off.’
Reviews of the reviews of the new Top Gear 'inconclusive'
30th May 2016
The reviews of the reviews of the inaccurately branded ‘reboot’ of Top Gear are inconclusive, the public say today.
The Guardian’s review of Top Gear was branded ‘lazy and inconclusive’ by top review reviewers who stated that many points made were not really points and questioned the merit of a journalist being paid to watch a show that they’ve never liked from the very beginning.
The same newspaper’s live blog was questioned by Top Gear reviews expert Simon Williams, “Why is someone writing stuff whilst they’re supposed to be watching something? How can you concentrate on something whilst writing something? It doesn’t make any sense.
“I mean, I don’t really know what I’m saying to you, cos this Top Gear repeat is on Dave. Oh, I remember this one! The reviews for this episode were amongst the best reviews I’ve ever been really judgemental about.”
Reviews of the reviews were on the whole inconclusive, as some said it was ‘good’, some ‘not bad’, some ‘terrible’, some ‘not as bad as expected’ and some ‘a load of bollocks, but then I didn’t watch it, just assumed it would be, not that I’ve ever watched it, but feel qualified to judge, because I read the Daily Mail.”
“Sometimes it’s very hard to really come to a conclusion about anything,” said expert in the matter, Sir John Chilcott.
Radiohead ‘already favourites’ for next year's Eurovision
14th May 2016
After a song about Stalin and genocide won the Eurovision Song Contest, miserablists Radiohead are favourites to win next year's contest after declaring it ‘credible’.
They will enter with a song about Pol Pot called 'CambodiaaaaaaarrrrRRRRRRRggggGG-G-G-Gug-gug-gug-goey-fuey-yayaya' whose non-existent chorus is something about Pol Pot that you can't hear because of Thom Yorke redefining the concept of singing by not using any melodious noises and singing from his home up his backside.
Eurovision will now forgo sparkly outfits and strobe lights and the whole thing will become an ultra serious funeral procession, with every entrant turning up by hearse.
Except Australia who didn't get the memo and are expected to turn up dressed as Batman and Robin.
Eurovision expert Simon Williams agrees with the changes, “This has frankly been a long time coming.
“The Camp of Europe have had a good innings for the last 61 years and it's time to let the Goths and Emos carry the torch.
“And by torch, I mean blacklight.”
On a positive note, this year's unfathomable scoring system has been commended for being brought into line with the lyrics.
Man whose daughter went on holiday in term-time readying himself to whinge about teachers doing the same
13th May 2016
A man who won a case against being fined for taking his daughter on a holiday during term-time is readying himself to ‘whine like a little baby’ when her teachers fuck off on holiday during her scheduled GCSE revision lessons next year.
Jon Platt, Destroyer of Injustice, won the original case and saved himself £120, though he destroyed his daughter’s education by not only missing a week’s schooling but opening the floodgates for teachers all over the UK to do the same.
Simon Williams, attempted father, has also found himself in the same cheap reduced-price cruise liner, “Good for him. I’ve been in exactly the same situation: even if I paid the fine, I’ve saved myself over £400,000 because of bastard travel agents upping prices during school holidays.
“But why should teachers be allowed to save money in the same way? They already get paid in the region of not nearly enough to make it worth dealing with little fuckers like my kid.
“For me, sending her to school is the easiest way of looking after her anyway.
“Teachers get LOADS of holidays anyway. Fair enough, they can’t fucking do anything because you’d need to be an investment banker to afford a shitty caravan in Rhyl for a weekend in August, whereas you can go to the Caribbean for the whole of September for just a fiver, all-inclusive.
“And true, there are kids running around everywhere all the time, everywhere you go, cos it’s the holidays, so they never get the fucking break they deserve.
“But still, you know, they get loads of holidays.”
Mr Platt is already being blamed for the upcoming falling standards in education, letting Michael Gove puppet Nicky Morgan off the hook for the foreseeable future.
SATS Rogue Marker ‘gets results’
10th May 2016
The unconventional methods of the ‘rogue marker’ at the centre of the SATS leak yield excellent results, say close colleagues in his department.
Simon Williams, one of a number of markers in the team said, “Kowalski is a loose cannon.
“He drinks a lot, chain smokes and has been through an acrimonious divorce so he’s been under a lot of pressure recently. But you can’t deny the guy gets results.
“The exam scripts he marks are much, much better than the average. The guy has a near-as-dammit 100% success rate. You’d be a fool to question his methods.
“He also mumbles to himself, refuses to work with a partner and describes everything he does in a 1950s American voiceover.”
Head of the Exam Marking team, Lieutenant Drebbin, his immediate superior, said, “Don’t test me, Kowalski!”
Kowalski himself explains, “It was a dark, dark night and I was sitting in my office looking through my latest exam script. Something was awry and didn’t quite make sense. It was probably the incorrect spelling of ‘their’. She was a crazy broad and all she wanted was to get into top set Maths.”
Wonga forced to borrow from payday lender
4th May 2016
Pre-tax losses doubling at Wonga have forced the company to borrow from a payday lender.
Due to the nature of the business, no banks will lend anything to the robbing gits so they have been forced to borrow from irony website HowDoYouLikeThemApples.com, whose interest rates are a ‘competitive’ 5.6x10^8% (representative APR).
CEO of his own house, though not owner, Simon Williams says, “For years, Wonga have been taking advantage of the downtrodden who have no other options. But now, the shoe is on the other foot. Which is apt, as they can only afford one shoe.
“I can’t really understand their business model: I borrow £5, say, and within a week I owe them a hundred grand. How on earth are they making a loss?
“Anyway, I thought I’d be glad to see them struggle, but the bastards are banging on the door as I speak to you demanding my TV and sofa.
“No, no, don’t worry, dear, I promise Daddy won’t let the angry, violent men take your only toy away. Please stop crying.”
Wonga have stated that they are being regulated out of business, and that legal loan-sharking is, by its very definition, legal.
Using the same principles upon their original business, they are rectifying the losses by diversifying into the legal assault and legal murder sectors, expected to be natural growth industries in the coming years.
Gary Lineker doesn’t understand meaning of ‘impossible’
3rd May 2016
TV presenter Gary Lineker has added fuel to the fire of footballers being idiots by showing on television that he does not know the meaning of the word ‘impossible’.
Leicester City shocked the footballing world to win the Premier League, leaving Lineker declaring that ‘this is actually impossible’, showing that he has no regard for the word itself, nor any concept of past, present and future.
‘Inability to achieve an intended goal’, Gary Lineker presents Match of the Day and some golf on the BBC.
Emeritus Professor in Focusing On The Wrong Thing In A Time of Great Joy at Cambridge University, Simon Williams, stated, “Mr Lineker is letting everyone down, particularly the footballing fraternity, who are already held back by their inability to afford an adequate education under a Conservative government.
“I remember once when he said ‘long pass’ instead of ‘medium length pass’, the East Midlands idiot.
“And don’t even get me started on how he tried to explain the second phase of play in offside decisions. It’s so easy a mango could explain it.
“He, frankly, should not be allowed to speak on television.”
Somewhat confused at this sudden turn of events, we were unable to contact Frank Lee for comment.
Mr Lineker will now present Match of the Day in his pants with the entire country on edge, hoping he understands what ‘in his pants’ means.
Idiotic couple pick wrong ‘EU’ in blunder
26th April 2016
A couple, who booked a ‘dream exit’ from Eu, Alabama, discovered when they arrived at a ‘Leave’ event that they had mistakenly committed to leaving EU, Europe.
After a monumental misunderstanding, Mr Boris Johnson and Mrs Michael Gove went on, at length, about leaving Eu for three months before realising their error.
But the excited couple turned up at a ‘Leave’ event, to find it full of loonies who didn’t really understand what the real EU does or how it operates.
“I turned up and there was this lunatic with a pint glass banging on about immigrants, which made me a little suspicious as Alabama doesn’t really have any, due to, you know, the horrific past,” said Mrs Gove. “But I thought ‘hey ho, each to his own’.
“But then, when someone started banging on about olive oil containers and cats chasing birds, it suddenly dawned on me that this is not the right EU at all.
“Eu, Alabama is a horrendous place a bit like Hell; with fire and brimstone, Satan and Wendy’s. We certainly didn’t think the UK should be associated with somewhere like that.
“And admittedly, we were a little confused that we were in any sort of trade relationship with them anyway.
“This makes a lot more sense, when you think about it.
“I feel like a right cunt now.”
Mrs Gove’s husband, Mr Johnson, added, “This has all been a tremendous misunderstanding. It would be very distressing if people thought I was some sort of buffoon.”
iPhone sales drop as people’s self-awareness of ‘cool’ cools
27th April 2016
Over the last year, people who thought they were cool have given themselves a massive reality check, says the latest sales figures of the Apple iPhone.
Since Apple began their style-based marketing campaign, sales of flat caps, check shirts and Minis have gone through the roof, as people who thought they were being individual were actual instead signposting themselves as worthy of a wide berth.
Apple Senior Executive Guru of Coolness, Simon Williams says, “It’s as though people have finally realised that putting an ‘i’ in front of stuff doesn’t make it cool.
“When Jobsy initially had this idea he thought it would last 18 months tops and make us a quick couple of million. To have that sheer volume of utter dicks in the world was beyond our wildest dreams!
“We, as a company, are very proud to have been making non-techies techie since 2007, in addition to our smug pomposity of dumping the unfathomably vast sums of money into offshore accounts, thus restricting the economic growth potential of our operational areas.
“We are also very proud of our accountants for helping us keep that money, and our inept security teams, who, despite being unable to crack our own encryption mechanisms, have manage to spin this as a ‘privacy’ issue so it’s on our terms rather than complete technical impotency.”
The ‘disappointing’ results mask the fact that Apple still made a ‘shitload’ of profit this quarter, but corporate greed means you must always make more than you did last time, even if it was all the money in the world.
World celebrates 400th anniversary of death of a man who wrote a lot of nonsense
23rd April 2016
Celebrations the world over are being held to mark the 400th anniversary of the death of a man, who may not even have been one man, who wrote a lot of nonsense that everyone pretends to understand in attempts to look cultured.
Lots of events, including an evening of the most tedious kind of television, are planned to celebrate Billy Shake-Spear’s nonsensical rubbish.
It is thought that many people wrote lots of different piece of incomprehensible literature, that they were subsequently too embarrassed to put their own names to, so authored it ‘William Shakespeare’, in much the same way as directors today disown films by declaring them ‘directed by Alan Smithee’.
Shakespeare expert Simone Whilliames said, “If this guy was so good, why did he use innumerable ways of spelling his own name, eh?
“The fact that the stories are made into movies set in different times, using different characters, were originally thought to show that his storytelling transcends times and social boundaries, but it’s clear it’s just studio executives meddling to change the film into something enjoyable.
“Let’s face it: he came from Stratford-upon-Avon. Anyone with any common sense knows that only people in London were civilised back then. No-one anywhere else had education in the Stone Age, like when this Bill fella lived.
“People the world over pretend to understand his plays, despite them being written in incomprehensible gobbledegook with people turning up deus ex machina to resolve plots thinner than a Michael Bay movie.
“Dickish actors, in particular, seem to make themselves feel worthy by declaring how they have a love for Shakespeare, pretending to read it in the evening when they were actually watching ‘Made In Chelsea’; jealous that they don’t get so much screen time.
“To be honest, I used to love him, but having studied him for my entire working life, I’ve come to realise what an utter waste that has been.”
Bernie Ecclestone finally uses ‘Arsehole’ alter ego for good
19th April 2016
Bernie Ecclestone finally managed to use his infamous ‘Arsehole’ alter ego for benevolent purposes yesterday in order to stop Michael Gove’s incessant, never ending bollocks about Brexit.
Gove had managed to speak for 28 hours so far, without pausing for conscience, and was rewarded with constant news coverage to the detriment of all actual news.
The billionaire midget started taking action with mildly offensive rhetoric that was easily quashed by Gove’s experienced nonsense. Then he upped the ante with a little light racism and working class-baiting, but this was played to Gove’s strengths and still the rolling news kept with the Tory dickhead.
Finally, Eccleston resorted to mentioning women drivers and Gove fell like lead slats from front pages across the country, whilst the FIA lawyers prepared for a long night redrafting the sport’s equality policy.
On a roll, F1's primary ‘bribe scandal’ aficionado started spouting how women will never be as good at Formula 1 as men because ‘they're not as strong’, they’ll ‘probably take maternity leave halfway through the season’, only to return ‘demanding a mother and baby space at the front of the grid’.
Eccleston happily admitted they would ‘still be better than Pastor Maldonado though.’
There have been calls from angry women the world over for Ecclestone to be knighted for services to humanity.
Michael Gove is still prattling on somewhere. He is expected to run out of breath around June.
Man bemoans ‘wrong’ lottery numbers coming out
15th April 2016
A man has sent an official complaint to Camelot after the incorrect numbers came out of the lottery machine for a 4000th consecutive week.
Livid Simon Williams bellowed, “This morning, I awoke to find that ONCE AGAIN, the OBVIOUSLY CORRECT numbers I had chosen, were not the ‘winning numbers’, whatever THAT means.”
“I mean, how hard can it BE?! These are CLEARLY the numbers that should come out. It makes absolutely no sense that they don’t!”
The borderline compulsive gambler continued his lament, “I mean, like many people in this country, I only do my job so I can buy 1500 lottery tickets at the end of the month. Otherwise, doing it would just be a complete waste of time.
“At this rate, I’ll be doing it for the next 40 years, and no-one wants that!
“My dreams are all gone. I have nothing left but skills in a ‘career’ I hate. And I can’t even keep up with them!”
Williams proceeded to fall down and sob into the gravel outside his tiny, overpriced house that has 35 years left on the mortgage.
Last night’s draw used machine Smug Bastard and set of balls number fuck-you. The winning numbers were not 2, 7, 13, 14, 38 and 57.
BP Chief’s pay rise a result of National Living Wage
14th April 2016
Chief Executive Bob Dudley enormous pay rise is a direct result of BP’s introduction of the National Living Wage, say the rest of the board.
“Bob earns £7.20 an hour,” said Simon Williams, non-executive board member. “But he works really hard. Proof of that is him clocking up 1.95million hours in the last 12 months, which is in no way an accountancy fudge.
“I know, strictly speaking, there are only 8760 hours in a year, but he’s very often multi-tasking, so it only seems fair and proper that he is remunerated for each of those virtual hours. If you think about it, he’s got to think about oil. Then there’s the oil, the oil and the oil. And then there’s all those sidelines we have in oil to think about. So, it’s not just about the oil.
“What people don’t realise is that oil is really, really, really important - far more important than whatever you do - and needs loads of hard work to make it come out of the ground and put in barrels. Think how hard it is to suck a McDonalds milkshake out of the cup. Well, it’s at least twice at difficult as that.
“Okay, maybe one and a half times. But the point still stands!”
The BP board defended the pay rise, saying “Compared to other oil companies, we have done really well, with our shares down only % and losses only numbering £3.6billion. Yes, with a ‘b’”, as they each got into their clapped out old 1-wheeled E-reg Vauxhall Astras in the car park; better than their Shell counterparts by one wheel.
Visa requests for North Korea rise at announcement Frozen 2 is written
11th April 2016
Parents in Westernised societies the world over are seeking self-extradition to North Korea to avoid Frozen 2, after news leaked that the script has been written and the cast about to start recording.
“I just can’t afford another dress that’s basically the same as the last dress with a few more frills on it,” said 2016 Parent of the Year, Simon Williams.
Mum Eleanor Gay took her face out of her hands to add, “I really can’t face another saccharine tune that will be played again and again and again until my eyeballs pop.”
When asked why she couldn’t just let it go, our reporter was punched squarely in the jaw.
“I’ve added up all the provisional merchandising costs and, even if I remortgage the house, it won’t even be nearly enough, so we’re upping sticks to live in a society with no access to either Westernised values of commerce or fun.”
A bleak country without democracy or hope of Westernisation, Arundel is believed to be where the sequel will also be set.
Merchandising deals announced so far include: rubber hands that generate actual snow, a robot Olaf that follows the parents to work and pesters them with feel-good phrases or songs for the entire working day and a licenced version of Tekken.
Tax to be recategorised as an emotion
7th April 2016
Tax is to be recategorised as an emotion, the world decided today.
Far too convoluted and complicated for even that guy who invented the Higgs boson to understand, it has been decided a recategorisation would be preferable to admission that it does not work as fiscal policy.
HMRC’s Chief Tax Bastard Simon Williams explains “This makes a lot of sense. Rather than having people misunderstand the overly complex system, they can now instead sigh and say ‘I feel a bit tax at the moment’ or ‘I couldn’t give a flying tax’, which is what a lot of the richer society are doing already.
“It’s clear that tax isn’t particularly tangible. At best, it’s nebulous and at worst, downright apocryphal.
“This will also allow a complete removal of HMRC who have admitted they themselves don’t actually understand tax. This will free up thousands of man-hours of people erroneously filling in their tax returns, then shitting themselves because they’ve underpaid by £6.95 as they couldn’t afford an accountant.
“I know that means I’ll be out of a job, but on the plus side I never have to respond to a taxpayer query with ‘I’m sorry but I don’t fucking know, mate’, as I do in 99% of cases.
“I’m out of here!”
A new Facebook ‘emotion’ has already been added, based upon David Cameron’s ambivalent face.
“I’m out of here!”
A new Facebook ‘emotion’ has already been added, based upon David Cameron’s ambivalent face.
respond to a taxpayer query with ‘I’m sorry but I don’t fucking know, mate’, as I do in 99% of cases.
“I’m out of here!”
A new Facebook ‘emotion’ has already been added, based upon David Cameron’s ambivalent face.
UKIP set to disband after ‘political differences’
2nd April 2016
The UK Independence Party are thinking of disbanding citing ‘political differences’.
Nigel Farage is thought to be embarking on a lucrative solo political career.
“He’s seen the success of people like Zayn Malik and thinks he’d be a similar sort of artist, but political rather than musical,” said politics mogul and talent agent Simon Williams.
“We’ll rebrand him as ‘Nige’ and put stuff in his hair, then get him to piss off his former UKIP mates on Twitter. That last bit especially is particularly easy for former members, as they do this frequently already.
“He’ll then tour the UK, giving the former UKIP voters all they ever really wanted: Nige in leather trousers.
“Then we’ll try and get him to break America. If Mr Trump has not already broken it by then.”
A number of members of the former party are thought to be getting together to form a so-called ‘superbanned’, named ‘No Foreigner’. Godfrey Bloom, David Challice and Andre Lampitt are amongst those getting together to create new, cutting-throat politics.
Not one to miss publicity, high-waisted Williams is also at the helm here. He said: “Of course, no women or foreigners will be in the line-up."
Russian judge says ‘evidence’ supports yetis as ‘main problem in Syria’
21st March 2016
Whilst declaring that ‘evidence’ against Ukrainian pilot Nadiya Savchenko points towards guilty - stating that just because she wasn’t in the place where the murders of two journalists happened, didn’t mean she didn’t do it - a Russian judge has claimed that similar ‘evidence’ supports abominable snowmen as the main issue causing conflict in Syria.
Pro-anti-Syrian commentator Simon Williams had serious issues with the comments, “Everyone knows it’s ‘snowmans’, not ‘snowmen’.
“These are very solitary creatures, living very lonely lives in the coldest of places; very rarely seen and thought not to even exist. Yet when they do appear, people in the Russian justice system spout the most baffling nonsense.”
The judge went to on to say that Putin is genetically the true leader of the universe, the surface of the sun is flat and finished off perhaps ludicrously of all by claiming Glenn Hoddle was an effective international manager.
Russian premier Vladimir Putin denied suggestions of his involvement, whilst simultaneously nodding and shaking his head, “I have not interfered with this yeti business in any way at all. Nor am I taking this yeti business to mean ‘very poor attempt at satirical comment on the Ukrainian pilot issue’. Let me make it clear to those who think I have no sense of irony nor juxtaposition: I am happy to take off my shirt and wrestle and kill this abominable snowman with my bare hands."
Middle-earth ends controversial orc-breeding programme
18th March 2016
Morally-dubious theme park Middle-earth has ended its controversial Orc breeding programme after accusations of cruelty.
The decision means the orcs currently acting as minions to the Dark Lord Sauron will be “the last generation” to run unconditionally into battle against all manner of fairytale creatures.
Over the years, Lord Sauron has faced criticism over the alleged poor treatment of the orcs, using their unquestioning loyalty to force them fight beautiful people for very little reward.
Intrepid explorer and hairy-footed midget, Bilbo Williams explains further, “Dark Lord Sauron had millions of the buggers, who were all ugly and stupid, immediately proving there wasn’t a big enough gene pool from which to breed them.
“It was actually a surprise to me any of them bred at all. To look at them, you wouldn’t be able to figure out which ones were female.”
Middle-Earth’s treatment of its orcs was highlighted in the overlong 2001 documentary The Lord of the Rings, which focused on a series of violent incidents involving some hairy men and a weird bald cat thing who stole something from a jeweller’s.
Middle-Earth described the film as inaccurate, misleading and exploitative.
A spokesman for Sauron said, “For as long as they live, the orcs at Middle-earth will continue to fight unhesitating for the cause of malevolence and evil. Once they’ve gone, they will be gone. We will replace them instead by genetic clones of Katie Hopkins. Though one may be enough."
Osborne restarts cycle of raising every tax again
12th March 2016
George Osborne plans to raise Insurance Premium Tax again, because he’s raised everything else so far, so is starting the cycle of raising every single thing all over again.
This confirms that the government expect the people who can’t afford accountants to pay the taxes of those who can, as it’s easier to just raise a number rather than change thousands of pages of legislation primarily written by his own company, who have pretty much never paid any tax.
Insurance broker Simon Williams explains, “The whole of the UK already think we’re utter bastards, so this is not going to help us at all. The bottom line is that they won’t realise it’s George Osborne who’s making this happen. The utter bastard.
“That said, it obviously doesn’t make any difference to me, as I happened to be an utter bastard already. That’s what attracted me to this job.
“So, with this extra money we can further our mission to deny every single claim that’s ever made, regardless of how genuine the claim is.
“I shouldn’t tell you to just put those premiums in a savings account instead and just pay for stuff like boiler breakdown when it actually happens.
“No! I didn’t say that! That was strictly off the record.”
‘No-one’ is good enough to be a football manager
11th March 2016
After Steve McLaren was sacked by Newcastle, it has been shown that no-one on earth is good enough to be a football manager.
The Office of National Statistics has released historic statistics proving that no football manager has any idea what they’re supposed to be doing since the invention of the Football League in 1888. Nor how they’re supposed to do it nor which accent they’re supposed to do in press conferences.
Any manager who’s been successful just seems to have been pretty lucky. Most still get fired anyway.
Analyst Simon Williams explains, “Even Arsene Wenger, the longest serving manager in English football, doesn’t really know what he’s doing, as evidenced by his insistence on playing Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain; a player who doesn’t really know what he’s doing.
“The most regarded football manager of all time - especially in Liverpool - Sir Alex Ferguson, seemed to be the only one who even had half a clue about what was going on. But even he messed it all up royally when he suggested that David Moyes take over his job at Manchester United.
“That may have just been a very sick joke. But then, should someone with that sort of mind be managed a football club?
“Look, even Joe Kinnear was a manager. And that’s a man who shouldn’t be left to walk around in public.”
Rafa Benitez is expecting to take over ‘being sacked duties’ towards the end of this season.
North Korea make hybrid miniature nuclear warhead and football
9th March 2016
North Korea have made a new small nuclear warhead that you can also play football with.
North Korean bombmaker Simon Williams informs us further: “The problem with most nuclear bombs is they sit somewhere unused, like a submarine on in a hanger. The beauty with this design is it doesn’t just sit there! The pilots can have a kickaround during their break, then put it back in its delicate, unstable mountings straight afterwards.”
With a hint of malevolence, he continued: “Without much impact on the world in all our past endeavours, the design of this small nuclear warhead could be said to be Korea-defining. South Korea-defining, to be more precise.”
Due to the lack of the internet and dubiously partisan education, it is believed that the North Korean scientists involved in making the bomb have been led to believe that mushrooms rain down from mushroom clouds, and they are working on helping rid the rest of the world. Of its mushroom shortage.
South Korea have responded by making an even smaller nuclear warhead. Before Japan waded in as usual with this kind of game and made a nano-nuclear warhead, that you can fit on the head of a pin.
Junior doctors strike for third time and are now out
9th March 2016
Junior doctors have unknowingly exposed themselves to the ‘three strikes and you’re out’ rule of government.
Justice Minister and nutjob Michael Gove explained that this was implemented by the last government and blamed “those other guys that were there. What were they called again? Something about a long streak of yellow or something?”
He continued: “Now we’ve kicked them out, we can allow the unqualified hospital cleaning staff to do the medical care, as they’ve probably heard all the jargon and seen blood everywhere. I mean, it worked when I allowed classroom assistants to replace qualified teachers.
“And I’ll do the same with the prisons, so all the escaped convicts can teach our kids. No harm done.
“Anyway, most of these cleaners were surgeons and consultants before they were chased out of their own countries by potty war criminals. That we probably funded. So, you know, everyone’s a winner!
“Except the doctors. And the patients.”
Health minister Jeremy Cunt said: “I’m a big fan of baseball. Big fan. No, sorry, I mean baseball bats. Now get to work, you lazy fuckers, whilst I non-negotiably change the terms of your legal and binding contracts.”
Lewis Hamilton Wins Formula 1 World Championship 2016-2034
8th March 2016
Lewis Hamilton has been awarded all the Formula 1 Championships from now until the 2034 season.
‘It is widely believed that it will take this long for Mercedes’ rivals to catch-up with their technology,’ explained Race Director Simon Williams. ‘Therefore, in the interests of people not being bored shitless watching two hours of cars going around and around every fortnight, it’s better just to give him the trophies now.
‘This will also give viewers relief from him being a really miserable bastard loser in the two weekends a season where he loses a race to any incompetent racer with access to exactly the same technology, Nico Rosberg.’
Motor Racing analyst Bobbie McBobbins confirmed that this is exactly the kick in the arm F1 needs to reignite interest: ‘This is really good news for Formula 1 in general. It means those teams on the verge of going bust now don’t have to spend any money whatsoever, Bernie Ecclestone doesn’t have to spend his easily-earned billions buying his innocence from corruption and, perhaps best of all, Pastor Maldonado won’t crash every week.’
When pressed, however, he admitted: ‘Okay, Pastor Maldonado will probably still crash every week.’
Race fan William Simons was ecstatic. ‘This is great news! Now instead of getting stressed, I can go to IKEA on a Saturday afternoon instead! And walk around. And around. And around.’
Science Suggests Gloria Gaynor ‘Will Not’ Survive
7th March 2016
Startling new scientific evidence has recently come to light that shows that, contrary to popular belief, Gloria Gaynor ‘will not’ survive.
Astonishingly, even survival ‘expert’ Bear Grylls is also expected at some point to succumb.
History shows that even people who have lived for the longest imaginable time, like Methuseleh from that Bible book, who lived for over 900 years, have finally perished to ‘something or other’.
Capitulation Analyst Simon Williams explains further. ‘Whilst we know from her experience that Gloria is pretty damn hardy, so we wouldn’t expect a common cold or full-on, flashy lights migraine to finish her off; we are less optimistic about her chances in, for instance, a nuclear winter or when she picks up arms for Judgement Day.
‘She may very well, and has as good as chance as anyone, at becoming the oldest person ever alive, but to survive everything? Even, say, the end of the universe? That’s a difficult one to imagine her seeing through.’
Former 80s Rock Star and now Gladiator, Survivor, is more optimistic about her chances: ‘She’s got a pretty good chance. She knows now to change stupid locks, so I imagine hers will be challenging for even the more determined of horsemen.
‘Honestly, do you think she’d crumble? Do you think she’d just lay down and die?
‘It’s well-documented that she’s grown strong, and certainly learned how to get along, so she’s probably got a half-decent chance.’
Adam Johnson denies being Boris’s lovechild
26th February 2016
Adam Johnson has denied he is Boris Johnson’s love child.
There are striking similarities,’ stated geneticist and football sex pest expert Simon Williams. ‘Both of the very, very rich men have an unexplained attraction to women, both have very close ties with the right wing and they’ve both called Johnson, which is, ironically, slang for penis.’
Boris himself could neither confirm nor deny the rumours, stating that he’s often been in, then out, then in, then out, then in, before finally screaming ‘Eureka!’ and coming to a conclusion.
When approached about this as he entered court for the 900th day of his trial, Johnson, A., stated: ‘That is categorically untrue.’
When asked if he looked up to the outgoing London Mayor, the disgraced ex-footballer reiterated:
‘I don’t want to be connected with that man. There is nothing more disgusting than trying to leave the EU. Nothing. Nothing, do you hear me?!’
When probed further by the double-standards paparazzi, he was visibly muddled, much like his recent Sunderland performances.
‘Why don’t you all leave me alone?’ he screamed tearfully. ‘All I ever wanted in my life was to be like my idols: Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris.’
Manny Pacquiao Apologises for Saying Gays ‘Worse Than Animals’
16th February 2016
Manny Pacquiao has apologised for claiming that homosexuals were ‘worse than animals’.
He claims his comments were taken out of context and he meant they were ‘comparatively worse than animals, like catching food with their teeth, eating grass and fostering a loving relationship with a human.'
‘Obviously, them there gays are much better than animals at the non-animal stuff, like erm… dancing, liking Barbara Streissand and, you know, showbusiness.’
A man dressed as one of the Village People took Pacquiao away before he made the situation any worse.
Spokesperson for Pacquiao, Simon Williams said ‘I mean, loads of men meeting up in dark places looking for action, lathering themselves in oil and touching other men? What’s not to love about boxing?!’
Donald Trump is ‘most liberal amongst friends’
15th February 2016
According to a ‘close family source’, Donald J Trump is ‘by some margin the most liberal’ in his circle of friends.
And, whilst everyone has the impression he's a right wing lunatic, in his mind he's a bleeding heart liberal.
One of them strongly believes there should be not only a wall between America and Mexico but also a moat with some crocodiles ‘trained to smell nachos’. Another ‘can’t understand why all these people are leaving the country of Muslimia’, as ‘they all seem to the utopia of freely available guns’, while a further ‘family member’ thinks waterboarding should be introduced on even the smallest of loan applications.
‘Mr Trump is just too central for America,’ said a spokesperson. ‘He just thinks immigrants are arseholes and terrorists should be waterboarded a bit more. That stinks of typically crazy leftie non-action.’
‘He just doesn’t go far enough.’.
An unnamed friend’s policy on immigrants is simply; ‘Xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxx for the fucking xxx xxx Xxxxx, the xxxxxxxxs.’
Close family friend Simon Williams says ‘Oh, Donny is such a card. I can’t believe he’s standing in this election as a Democrat!’
When corrected, Williams continued. ‘What?’ then laughed like a crazed supervillain, unable to speak further, before composing himself and shooting at some Mexicans in the distance.
A further associate refused to comment, only bellowing ‘the freedom of the press is exactly what’s wrong with this liberal lunacy in the first place!’.
General Public Don’t Understand Gravitational Waves
11th February 2016
No-one understands really clever physics, a study has shown.
‘Even if you get an ex-pop star, pretty boy academic like Professor Brain Cox, I don’t know what the heejeebies they’re talking about,’ said some breed of UK redneck.
In order to make it simple for the hoi polloi to understand, think of gravitational waves as waves, right, that come from somewhere in science-fiction and were invented by Einstein. They pass over the Earth because our planet has gravity and something to do with firing laser cannons at bathroom mirrors.
If this experiment proves true, it makes fuck all difference to Joe Public, but scientists might fall through a wormhole and end up in the centre of the earth, where the dinosaurs are believed to still live.
Of course, all this is conjecture, and will be proved when the Large Hadron Collider smashes things together, like dark matter and so-called “new-brinos”.
Three or four years ago, science-ists made the news when they found a new molecule called a Bigg-Hoson cowering like a war criminal somewhere in a big tube in Switzerland. This molecule meant that we all now had more mass and a really old man who made up maths once was very happy because he wanted to be heavier and this let him be so.
The Bigg-Hoson was added to the Table of Periodicals, probably at the end, near where the Ewoks live.
Science rools. haha. it’s a pun.
FOOTNOTE: Our regular science reporter is away. Thanks to the PE reporter for stepping in.
Jeremy Clarkson purchases car with registration Z017 GIB for Spanish road trip
3rd April 2017
Jeremy Clarkson has purchased brand new Seat Ibiza for his Amazon show’s first Spanish road trip with the registration Z017 GIB, which is in no way a reference to the Great Gibraltan Conflict of 2017.
The Grand Tour have ‘completely coincidentally’ just booked tickets to drive across the territory in a challenge that sees James May drive a sinking galleon broken in half by cannon balls and Richard Hammond throwing V signs whilst riding in the back of a Popemobile whilst dressed as Napoleon.
Clarkson said, “It is complete coincidence that we have decided today to have a provocative road trip across Spain at a time when there may be hostilities between our country and some lazy spaniards who sleep for the best part of the afternoon.
“I deny that this is merely an attempt at generating publicity in order to gain more Amazon subscribers - particularly in Portugal where we are historically weak - and filling my already overflowing cash reserves with much more cash.
“My car is painted like a Union flag, which is in no way what I requested, just the base colour that the car comes with.
“I hope that the Spanish will not take this in the spirit it is intended and throw rocks at us as we try to leave the country quick sharp upon realising that this was, in retrospect, a very foolish thing to do.”
Germany leaves EU after envelopes mix-up
29th March 2017
Germany have started the process of leaving the European Union after Sir Tim Barrow handed over the wrong envelope to European Council President Donald Tusk.
Germany are now expected to leave the EU by March 2019, having started the two-year negotiation period.
German’s were split 100%-0 in favour of remaining in the EU after no referendum was held on June 23rd last year.
Angela Merkel said the decision is something of an unexpected shock.
A stunned Germany has been told, "No-one won. You lost. Get over it."
Spokesperson for the disaster, Eleanor Gay said, “Britain will now remain in the EU for the foreseeable future.
“Or at least until Monday, when WHSmith opens and we can buy another envelope.”
PricewaterhouseCoopers, beancounters who appear to have a monopoly on sorting out envelopes after Royal Mail’s previous disasters, have confirmed they have started an investigation into the envelope misunderstanding.
UK Remoaner, Simon Williams, said, “Well, thank goodness for that. The irony is that some Leave voter was probably in charge of the envelopes, you know, what with their attention to detail and all.”
Labour frontbenchers threatening to resign after Jeremy Corbyn finally makes a decision
27th January 2017
Labour’s senior frontbenchers are threatening to resign after Jeremy Corbyn finally made a decision, telling them to vote in favour of Brexit.
Shadow Minister for Shadows and MP for Greater Maidupingstone, Simon Williams, said, “This is not why I spent all that time becoming a Labour MP: to have to decide things. My political career is built on indecision and I won’t have some right-wing autocrat like Jeremy Corby telling me what to do!
“Frankly, over the last 18 months of his tenure, he’s managed to avoid making any sort of decision and saying anything of any consequence whatsoever. Which is exactly what we need to make the Tories look semi-organised in favour of our own political shambolicism.
“During the shadow cabinet meeting, he looked very, very worried about something and we were all a little concerned about quite how pale he had become.
“When he decided to actually tell us to do something, I can confirm there was utter pandemonium and more than one of us fainted right there in the meeting room, including John McDonnell, who was first to hit the floor.
“Jeremy himself had to go and have a long lie down. Which bodes well for him becoming Prime Minister.
“At this rate, he will have to make almost three and a half decisions before we’re voted out again.
In the unlikely event Mr Corbyn becomes Prime Minister, he is expected to immediately sign a vast number of Executive Indecisions.
Trump Campaign leads Oscar nominations, says Trump Campaign
25th January 2017
The barely believable story of how a property magnate and reality TV star becomes president of the US leads the way with 1.5 million Oscar nominations, says the Trump Administration.
The fantastic tale, written by JK Rowling, describes how an outcast borne of immigrant eventually uses magic to overcome adversity in becoming president, has amongst other things been nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Animated Effects, Best Made-Up Category and Best Great, Really, Really Great.
Alternative film critic, Simon Williams, said, “This is audacious film making at its very best. What they’ve attempted to do here absolutely beggars belief and - gosh darnit, wouldn’t you know - they’ve actually managed to pull it off.
“Once you’ve watched it, you think ‘Whoa, did that just happen? I can’t believe that just happened. That is utterly beyond comprehension. And they voted for it THEMSELVES?’
“It’s not often I’ve had that happen when watching an alternative film.”
“It’s just a really crazy romp that could never happen in real life.
“Never. Not ever. It didn’t happen.”
A sequel, ‘Trump Campaign 2: This Time It’s Personal’ is already planned, where the former boy follows the Alternative American Dream and turns the country into a hate-infested swamp-mire of isolationist views, xenophobia and racism, as the poor are flung into the streets in order to cater for the whims of the top 1%.
Review: one big yellow star.
Government decide it’s vital we shoot ourselves in the correct foot
18th January 2017
Theresa May has decided that it’s critical we decide exactly which foot we want to shoot ourselves in, rather than just picking one at random and going with it.
The PM said, “The country taken a vote and decided to shoot ourselves in the foot. Now, it’s imperative the Government take our time because it's important to shoot ourselves in the right foot.
“I mean, ‘correct’ foot. It’s not necessarily the right foot. It might be, but we're not quite sure yet.
“Obviously, we'll undoubtedly hit ourselves in the thigh first, followed by the knee, then the calf, the ankle and finally we’ll be successful in half-blowing our foot off, with all the tendons and bone hanging out in a right old mess.
“Then we can all rejoice at a job well done!”
Head of the Department for Misunderstanding Metaphor at Oxford University, Emeritus Professor Simeon Williams, said, “Clearly, we’ve decided something as a whole and should be held accountable to that, progressing it regardless of the outcome.
“A journey through a desolate wasteland, then into a zombie-infested area, then a radioactive, lifeless, nuclear apocalyptic desert, to our desired destination where irradiated mutant poisonous hydrae eat our children and mercilessly torture us whilst keeping us alive with magic, despite it being clearly signposted the whole way with hourly warnings of the treachery on Google Maps.
“But, you know, we have to now, what with the referendum being legally binding and all.
“At least, that’s what my colleagues in the Department of Irony and Heavy Sarcasm keep telling me.
“Even America’s forgiven Chelsea Manning for her past mistakes, but I’m pretty sure the UK economy is a less forgiving beast.”
2017 warns it will kill every remaining celebrity in attempt to win bet against 2016
28th December 2016
2017 has warned that ‘you ain’t seen nothing yet’ and has promised to kill every remaining celebrity during its tenure, in an attempt to win a long-standing bet it has against 2016.
Speaking from the future, Simon Williams, a spokesman for 2017 explains, “Long ago, 2016 and 2017 had a bet about how many celebrities they could kill off during their consulship. There’s been a lot of bravado thrown about with both desperate for bragging rights in this ‘local derby’.”
Williams continued, “What constitutes a celebrity will no doubt become a popular topic of debate for many, but in the long run, it will not matter, as 2017 is promising not just to take out every A- to Z-list celebrity, but everybody. Period.
“Relatively few will be taken early on by the celebrity ‘standards’ of cancer, heart attack, drug problems and suicide, before the remaining billions are wiped out on or soon after January 26th by vaporisation, radiation burns or some form of genocide.
“Once the mushroom cloud has cleared, all that will remain is three of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, whose names we can exclusively reveal for the first time here: Putin, Jong Un and Trump; more popularly identified as War, Famine and Idiocy respectively.
“There is expected to be a final Mexican stand off between the three, each of whose fingers will hover over nuclear launch buttons all saying the same thing but in different typesets.
“Obviously, Trump is refusing to take part until this traditional situation is is renamed a ‘Great American’ stand off.”
Williams continued banging on a bit more, “Luckily for 2017, and its aeons-old bet, Donald Trump suddenly became Leader of the Free-ish World, at which point 2016 shit its pants and starting knocking off celebrities left, right and centre.
“You’ve got to hand it to 2016 though, since then, it’s given it a bloody good go!”
Fans urge FIFA to kick England and Scotland out of World Cup to avoid embarrassing group stage defeat
18th November 2016
Football fans have pleaded with FIFA to expel England and Scotland from the World Cup in Russia in order to avoid heartache when they suffer an embarrassing group stage defeat to American Samoa.
The international governing body are currently considering which punishment to give the nations after they selflessly wore a symbol to show appreciation to those who died fighting and simultaneously stopped the Nazis running football this very day.
England fan Simon Williams, “Just knock it on the head right now. Every big tournament is the same. Three utterly unacceptable underperformances by every single ‘player’ including at least one soul-destroying defeat to Iceland or Vatican City or some rat-arsed Radio Caroline DJs.
“I beg you FIFA, kick us out now and have done with it.”
Scotland fan Symon McWilliams had similar thoughts, “This way whichever very average managers don't get hauled over the coals for not achieving the massively unrealistic expectations, and we don’t have to waste a rainforest’s worth of newspaper pages lamenting the latest boss before comparing him to the vegetable du jour.
“The Russians are bound to be cheating anyway, be it by bribery or pumping their footballers with so many steroids they become some sort of bollockless megawarrior.
“So what's the point in turning up and risking polonium poisoning?
“Though that at least would give us a high turnover in the Scotland team. Which is arguably exactly what we need.”
FIFA are considering all punishment options including the most embarrassing: automatic qualification for said World Cup.
Paranoia sufferers terrified of 7% bigger werewolves during supermoon
14th November 2016
People who are paranoid will be paralyzed with fear this evening as they are expecting larger, scarier werewolves to appear during the supermoon.
So-called ‘superwerewolves’ are around 7% bigger and 15% scarier than normal werewolves, though human mind is able to make that much, much bigger.
Werewolves won’t appear this big to paranoiacs again until a supermoon on 25th November 2034.
The Met Office’s horror forecast suggests it will be cloudy when the werewolves appear - perfect conditions for the apocryphal, bloodthirsty creatures - and advises that those affected stock up on silver bullets, available at all good stockists.
Werewolf expert and unbeliever, Simon Williams, said, “The differences are actually pretty small and it’ll be quite hard to notice any difference without comparing photographs.
“You know, photographs of the fictitious beasts.
“Fictitious, can you understand me? Fictitious.”
Twilight fans in Australia were disappointed yesterday evening when, despite perfect thick clouds conditions, the fact that they weren’t real stopped the superwerewolves appearing.
Trump to use nuclear bombs to flatten land for redevelopment
10th November 2016
President Trump plans to use nuclear warfare to obliterate all around it, in order to redevelop land more cheaply than paying bulldozing contractors.
Trump said, “Even the best contractors do shoddy work - which I absolutely refuse to pay for - but also take lots and lots of time and don’t even make the land flat.
“Think about it: literally everything is flat 2 seconds after a nuclear explosion, even cars and fridges and other crap that people think make Climate Change. That leaves prime real estate that could be built on by Trump Construction.
“Or another construction company. Maybe. I dunno, I have to say that legally for some reason - it’s obviously not true.
“I mean, it is. Legally. But also it’s not true.
President Trump has told US citizens not to worry, as every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
“This will - literally - be a BOOM! for the Trump economy.
“I mean AMERICAN economy. Do I mean American..? Yes! Yes, I mean AMERICAN economy.
“I must state that I have no link to the company that my son Don Jr and my daughter Ivanka run. None whatsoever.
“I mean, it’s mine, but other than that, no link whatsoever.
“It’s mine though.”
Analyst Tennesseemon Williams said, “Yes, there is indeed a silver lining.
“But the silver lining in this case means ‘immense shockwave destroying all that comes before it’.”
Liz Truss fails to condemn Daily Mail because she doesn't want to be condemned by the Daily Mail
5th November 2016
The Lord Chancellor has failed to condemn toilet paper tabloid The Daily Mail due to concerns they will condemn her on their front page.
She backed the independence of the UK's judiciary but stopped short of condemning attacks on senior judges over the Brexit ruling, for fears she will appear in their continuing exclusive daily excerpts of Mein Kampf 2016.
Taking such a principled stance in being stuck between a cowardly rock and spineless hard place, it’s understandable exactly why Truss stood as an MP, wanting to stand up for her beliefs and wanting to make a difference, obviously unless it physically or mentally hurts.
She said, “Politics is about compromises. And, in saying that I support the judges’ decision but still support the view of the Fourth Reich so they don’t send me off to a gulag, is completely acceptable in our ever-diminishing democracy.
“Hopefully, Donald Trump will nuke us before Mail readers learn how to use a dictionary in order to decipher their ‘clever’ subliminal messages, written in CAPITAL LETTERS.”
Truss then left the press conference leaving an enormous yellow streak in her midst.
Government’s £1.9bn Cyber Strategy involves telling people not to use child’s name as password
1st November 2016
The government’s new £1.9bn Cyber Strategy plan involves telling everyone in the UK not to use their own kid’s name as their password.
Ministers fear society is increasingly vulnerable to cyber-attack, with the rise in the number of devices linked to the internet by the ‘security’ of using a child’s name giving hackers a soft target.
Cyber strategist Simon Williams explains further, “Basically, your password is your kid’s name, isn’t it?
“Don’t lie now. It is, isn’t it? It might have a capital in there, or some ‘clever’ use of a ‘3’ instead of an ‘E’, but it’s some variant of your kid’s name.
“Or, if you don’t have kids, it’s your wife’s or husband’s or the first person you had a crush on and still think there might be a chance, even though it was 30 years ago and they won’t friend you on Facebook.”
When asked to elaborate on the costs of what the £1.9bn will actually pay for, Williams said, “All the money will be used for nothing but posters and lengthy TV advertising.
“And all it says is ‘Don’t use your kid’s name as your password!’”
When asked to comment on his new scheme, Chancellor Philip Hammond refused to get back to us, only posting via his Facebook page: “Sorry - everyone. Been hacked. Please ignore any requests from me for money.”
Harrison Ford agrees to Indyref 2
14th October 2016
Harrison Ford has sensationally agreed to take a starring role in the much-anticipated sequel to the original Indyref, which was an enormous marketing hit but only attained modest success critically.
Thought to be well past it now, with best work long gone and probably not even healthy enough to take part, Scotland has already been to one poll on independence in the recent present.
It’s thought that the original would be standalone. However, after a recent UK Government blockbuster that featured bizarre twists and an incredibly unexpected ending, appetite for a sequel has increased.
Ford has famously already starred in two trilogies where the definition of the word ‘trilogy’ wasn’t clearly understood by the production companies and independence mogul Nicola Sturgeon says, “This franchise can literally run and run and run, until the ending is eventually the one that I -- sorry, I mean everyone -- should see.”
Perpetual octogenarian Sir Sean Connery has also been extremely vocal and opinionated about the whole enterprise, saying, “The first one didn’t contain the satisfying ending that was required, so a sequel was inevitable. I, myself, am vehemently in favour of this second instalment.
“Though, obviously, not enough to get off this expensive sofa of mine in the Caribbean and actually be involved.”
Original fan Simon Williams was sceptical about the reboot, “I’m not sure what we need is an ageing man in too big a hat, running around spouting all sorts of unproven conspiracy nonsense.
“Oh, *Harrison Ford*?
"Sorry, I thought you said ‘George Galloway’.”
Wayne Rooney ‘not the problem’ with England team
12th October 2016
Wayne Rooney has sensationally proved he’s not the problem with the England team.
After a dour goalless draw with Slovenia, Rooney didn’t appear until the 73rd minute, by which time the ‘international outfit’ had proved they are just as shite without him.
Fan Simon Williams said, “This is an amazing revelation to me. I, like many England fans, have been happy to blame all England’s shortcomings since 1967 on the former child prodigy and his clueless dictating of the game from midfield in the last couple of matches.
“But I’m beginning to think it might instead be the fault of a player who hasn’t even been born yet but will be the saviour of English football until his failure to lead us to any glory right up to his retirement in 2040.
“Yeah, on reflection, it’s probably entirely this unborn child’s fault.
Rooney is also believed to be responsible for the shambles of Brexit, the currency crisis and the asteroid leading to the extinction of the dinosaurs.
'Worried-looking' lion tamers terrifying ‘crazy’ clowns
11th October 2016
Police across the country have been responding to dozens of incidents in which pranksters dressed as lion tamers with worried looks upon their faces are deliberately scaring people dressed as clowns.
Witness Eleanor Gay said, “It was terrifying. I was looking outside where the ten or eleven clowns usually stand but suddenly they looked pretty darn scared and two of them literally shit their hula-hooped pants.
“After they scattered, difficult for people in such big shoes, I saw what had scared them: it was a lion tamer looking baffled, shouting ‘Leo? Leo?’ and waving around an medium-sized M&S chicken.
“My initial thought was ‘Medium? For a lion?’
“But then I thought: Holy Mother of Jesus, there’s a fucking lion on the loose!”
Lion tamer sightings have increased up and down the country, directly proportional to the reduction in ‘crazy clown’ numbers.
Crazy clown, Bonzo, said, “This is not really very nice. We’re just walking around in underlit areas, dressed like the funny one from ‘It’, hoping to psychologically damage innocent people with either our faces or our weaponry, you know, for a laugh.
“When suddenly this guy holding a whip and a dining room chair turns up asking ‘Have you seen my cat? He’s about this high--’ waving his hand at eye-height! ‘-- and is most likely carrying a dead human.’
“I got out of there pretty sharpish.”
Professional lion tamer, Simon Williams, says, “This is absolutely psychologically terrifying. Some of them are apparently playing audio of lions as they walk around, immediately changing direction as though that’s where the roar’s coming from.
“However, I’m a lion tamer and I know for a fact, that if I lost one, outside is the last place I’d be!”
In related news, the FTSE was on the rise for a fourteenth day in row off the back of soaring sales in the top hat industry.
Trump apologises for obscene hair
8th October 2016
Donald Trump has today apologised for his obscene hairstyle.
Mr Trump said that "This hair doesn't reflect who I am... I apologise".
In a recently released video, Mr Trump says "you think you can do anything" to people "when you've got hair like this" and brags about trying to deport Mexicans.
Top Republicans condemned the hair. His election rival Hillary Clinton called it "horrific".
"We cannot allow this man to become president," she said. “Hair like this is absolutely unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated.”
"I've had hair I regret," he said. "Anyone who knows me knows this hairstyle exactly reflects who I am. I got the wrong advice from the Sheinhardt Wig Company and I apologise profusely.
"I've never said I've a perfect hairstyle nor pretended to have a hairstyle I don't have.
“I pledge to get blonde highlights or a mullet tomorrow."
Scientists to collide Trump’s head with floor
30th September 2016
As the Rosetta probe is sent on a collision course with a comet in order to further science, scientists have decided to perform a similar experiment by smashing Donald Trump’s head into the floor to discover what a racist, misogynist nutcase is made of.
Professors say that Trump has come to the end of his useful life and they want to get some final, ultra-extreme readings.
CalTech’s Professor of Xenophobology, Simon Williams said, “Mr Trump gives us a chance to really observe what happens in an ill-informed brain with no knowledge of morality, diplomacy or the correct course of action.
“Quite honestly, we’re expecting to see nothing.
“I mean literally nothing - nothing at all - in there whatsoever. Completely empty. Nada, if I can use the Spanish without being deported.
“A long line of Mexicans and people with common sense are lining up outside, all hoping to be picked as the person to assist the scientists in the final smash, either with the catapult or with the final thrust.
“It’s a great example of people and all nationalities working together to create a better future.”
Even if some of Trump’s systems remain functional, a large hammer is on standby to ensure everything is shut down as required.
Mary Berry signs Top Gear deal
26th September 2016
Mary Berry has signed a two-year deal with the BBC to host Top Gear.
She will be joined by Naga Munchetty and Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang commercials, with regular appearances from The Stig.
BBC Two editor Simon Williams said, “I am thrilled that Mary Berry is taking over the Top Gear hotseat. She’s a huge talent whose love of cars is relatively unknown - in fact, I don’t even know if she can drive - but she can bake a mean soufflé and that’s just what we need to bring an entirely different demographic to the world of catastrophic climate change.
“I can’t wait for the new series to begin next year.”
Eleanor Gay, director of BBC Studios, said, “Mary was hugely popular with the kind of people who like watching other people bake cakes on TV with her humour, warmth and severe judgmentalism. I couldn’t be more terrified that she’s agreed to come and powerslide cars around a track, making jokes about Mexicans.”
Mel and Sue will be taking over BBC Three show Extra Gear, where they will be making innuendos aplenty in lieu of any automotive knowledge.
Mary Berry herself said, “What is completely undocumented is my knowledge of cars. I mean, so undocumented that even I don’t know how much I don’t know. But the BBC has nurtured me throughout my career and I owe them a duty to make this as big a car crash as possible.
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
Islamic State to open regional office in London
21st September 2016
Hot on the heels of concerns by the Commons Defence Committee that there was a danger of the fundamentalists forming regional offshoots, so-called ‘Islamic State’ is planning on opening a regional office in London.
Though controversially in support of zero-hours contracts and ‘dubious pension promises’, IS could yet bring a useful economic boost to the area.
Employment law guru, Simon Williams, says, “I think it’s fair to say they are well-versed in dealing with underperformance and the banking sector have admitted they would welcome similar policies brought City-wide.
“However, with this upside there is the overall downside of having American air strikes in a large, overpopulated metropolis.
“Obviously, whilst this is not a problem with egotistical financial sector employees, there is an issue with people who do actual, proper, meaningful jobs being affected.”
There are also said to be serious concerns that their accidents at work record is a little high than average.
Health and Safety Executive team leader William Simons agreed, “We are very concerned about this development in general. Just giving a suicide vest to somebody without proper training is, at best, ill-advised. It could go off at any time.
“To be utterly frank and to the point, I don’t really think they’ve thought this through adequately.”
Marketing executive Eleanor Gay said, “To be honest, they’re sending very mixed messages to somewhere as cosmopolitan as London.
“I mean are they Islamic State, ISIS, ISIL or Daesh?
“Our company is very experienced in this sort of thing and we can help to create a strong corporate brand that comes out with all guns blazing. Obviously, we offer our services for a very competitive rate.
“We also have male marketeers, as I understand they have issues dealing with femininity.”
Committed militant pacifist Jeremy Corbyn offered his support to the venture, saying “We won’t get anywhere if we don’t put our guns down and invite the uncompromising lunatic terrorists into our back garden with their live ammunition.”
Mel and Sue to present Great British Cookery Show Off
19th September 2016
Mel and Sue are bookies’ favourites to present the BBC’s new show The Great British Cookery Show Off, where each of the corporation's 3 million cooking-based shows will face off against each other.
There will be sections where the contestants are judged against each other, followed by the formats coming under intense scrutiny before the judges are judged by the judges’ judge, Judge Rinder.
Finally, the scores are then judged and scored.
‘Pioneering Creative’ and Executive Producer Simon Williams explains, “This is exactly what is needed to fill that inexplicable hole that's recently appeared in our schedules.
“The pilot worked out really well, though at the end, John Torode's smug Aussie routine was stopped midflight when a withering look from Mary Berry literally melted him. And Paul Hollywood’s casual judgmentalism resulted in him losing a testicle after Gregg Wallace bit him.
“Though he may just have been hungry.”
The first broadcast episode is expected to be Masterchef taking on Can't Cook, Won't Cook, in what is expected to be a massacre of bloodbathic proportions.
‘Genius’ Williams continued, “This also allows Mel and Sue to innuendo themselves to the point of ecstasy.
“I'm not sure they'll be able to get to the end of the series without going the full Noel Edmonds.”
British weather discussion reaches record levels
14th September 2016
Levels of discussion about the British weather yesterday hit levels not seen since September 1911.
With a lot of Britain forced to listen to deafening levels of non-stop thundering, the noise of the storms was almost entirely drowned out.
Professor of Meteorological Yammering, Simon Williams, says “This is the most talked about September weather for over 100 years.
“We've basically been on the verge of using the phrase ‘since records began’ and no one wants that, do they?
“The heat generated by all the weather discussion only served to raise the temperature further still, especially to those getting a little hot under the collar - both literally and figuratively.”
“I mean, this is all great for me, because I love talking about the weather and we almost always have weather. Except between 1939 and 1945, when records suggest there was no weather to speak of. I would’ve been really bored around then, let me tell you.”
Talking about the weather is expected to continue well into 5 billion AD, when the Met Office have predicted it will be slightly warmer than normal due to the vast expansion of the Sun.
Formula 1 rights sales going around in circles
5th September 2016
The sale of Formula 1 rights is going around in circles.
F1 ‘CEO’ Bernie Ecclestone said, “Initially, we all got that feeling of excitement we do each time these negotiations come around that something completely different would happen but then, as usual, felt the bitter disappointment when these negotiations very quickly turned out to be the same as every other time, when exactly the same people went straight into the lead again.
“It’s very infuriating. We seem to be going around the same path again and again and again. Think about it: if this sort of thing happens down on the track, it’ll be difficult to see the sport holding anyone’s attention.
“It’s started to become a bit monotonous.”
“There was a lot of tension at the beginning, when everyone flew in with bids and only a couple of multi-millionaires stalling or crashing out very early on. But following that there seemed to be a clear, insurmountable leader for the next 69 weeks, but it just didn’t seem to ever end.
“Then, just as we thought we were reaching the finish line, it turns out we’d literally pushed the metaphor too far, and so the safety car had to be called to help out.
“I don’t think I can watch these negotiations week after week. I am less and less surprised by the outcome and think I need to spend my time watching some other sports negotiations, where something less predictable might happen.”
Keith Vaz paid for services of Ford Escorts
4th September 2016
Labour MP Keith Vaz paid for the services of Ford Escorts, claims a leading national motoring journal.
The married father-of-two paid for the cars’ servicing at a reputable Ford dealer on some evenings a long time ago when the cars were readily available and popular, says the publication.
Mr Vaz, 59, who has nothing to do with the Shadow Transport MInistry, said he was referring the claims to the DVLA, as he cannot remember owning the vehicles.
Auto Trader claim he has ‘become more affluent’ since the car was discontinued and can now afford a fourth-hand Vauxhall Calibra with 250,000 miles on the clock.
A Labour Party spokesperson said: “Keith Vaz has issued a statement on this matter. As with all personal car matters, Keith was entitled to service the cars at garages of his family’s own choosing and the position is a matter between him and the house.”
According to the publication, Mr Vaz’s servicings included a discussion about using leaded petrol.
The MP for Leicester East had opposed government attempts to criminalize the fuel. Minister later announced it could no longer be used.
‘Amazon WipeMyArse’ button proving to be unexpected success
31st August 2016
Amazon’s innovative new button that takes away life’s tedious but mandatory little job is proving an unexpected success.
The new ‘WipeMyArse’ button is proving extremely popular, with millions of anuses being scrubbed to within an inch of their duodenum all over the country every second of every day.
Experienced bumwiper Eleanor Gay says, “This is truly amazing! It is literally the best thing since the sliced bread I am about to defecate.
“I no longer have to piss around with myriad toilet roll issues all the time. In your face, person who puts it the wrong way around on the holder so the paper is by the wall rather than hanging off the front!
“And don’t get me started on how it tears all along the perforations till the last millimetre before inexplicably tearing down to leave a wispy, long but infinitely thin tail on the holder.
“The only thing I don’t like about it is the rebranded name. I much preferred it in beta testing, when they called it the ‘ShitMeNot’.”
However, not everyone is pleased at Amazon’s attempts to jump on the bumwagon. Senior Anal Bleacher Simon Williams says, “This innovation is typical of big business literally shitting on the little guys.
“The anal bleaching industry is literally worth tens - if not elevens - of pounds to the UK each year.
“Call me old-fashioned, but this is technology gone too far. It’s much more natural to have someone else put chemicals in your rectum so it doesn’t look as shitty-coloured as nature intended.”
Amazon have announced they will be releasing additional Amazon LifeAdmin(™) products in the imminent future, including the Amazon ‘FillTheDishwasher’, the Amazon ‘SatisfyMyHusband’ and the Amazon ‘KeepTheKidsOccupiedWhilstIWatchTheSoaps’.
The release date of the Amazon ‘ShaveMe’ has been put back after an unfortunate incident with incorrect pressure readings and a carotid artery.
Backlash begins on tax collection avoidance schemes
30th August 2016
Countries that refuse to collect tax should be punished by making them collect the tax they should have collected in the first place, says the European Commission.
“Countries should avoid tax collection avoidance,” said Elinor de Gaui, Head of Repetition of Words and Word Repetition at the EU.
“We, as an overall collective of spaghetti-like rules and regulations, are sticking our third party noses in again to ensure that a country who has an agreement with someone in order to bring a lot of jobs to an area, can never truly have control over that agreement, those jobs or, indeed, that area.
“Allowing ourselves the ability to time travel like this is awesome! We can change what we want, across all of the past, doing pretty much what we want!
“It makes us feel a bit like Doc Brown. Which is AWESOME!”
Spokesman for Ireland, Simon O’Williams, said, “Avoiding the collection of tax, instead of the tax itself, well, that makes us look like we get things a bit the wrong way around sometimes, doing things that are perhaps a little bit silly.
“We wouldn’t want that to lead to some sort of racist stereotype now, would we?
“Top o’ the mornin’ to yer,” he concluded.
Corrupt officials pay tribute to ex-FIFA boss
16th August 2016
Corrupt football officials the world over today paid tribute to their unofficial figurehead, ex-FIFA president Joao Havelange, who has died aged 100.
The dishonest Brazilian was Head of FIFA Personal Banking plc between 1974 and 1998.
“This man was the pinnacle, the one to which will all aspire,” said Simon Williams, referee in the Batley Pub Sunday League. “I can turn any game in any direction I wish, dependent on the best lager and pies I get after a game. But this man, oh, this man is my absolute hero!
“When he was in charge, the bribery went from the smallest, horrific leg-breaking challenges on the pitch, through the betting conspiracy, tax-avoiding management tiers right the way to the highest echelons of back-handed, brown envelope, vote-rigging executive directorships.
“To do the corrupting in such an obvious, public way. Well, that’s the dream, isn’t it?
“As an increasing liberal, leftie, sporting society, we’ve seen the game of football turn into some egalitarian nonsense full of ‘sportsmanship’ and that god-awful ‘fair play’.
“Gone are the days of the utmost bribery that this man fought hard to establish.
“Sepp Blatter has a lot to answer for, the little bald prick!"
ISIS claim that Obama ‘founded’ Donald Trump
11th August 2016
The so-called Islamic State terrorist organisation have claimed that President Barack Obama and his first secretary of state Hillary Clinton were the ‘founder’ and ‘co-founder’ of monolithic dickwad Donald Trump.
Their stunning claim came at the end of a pointed lecture recounting the conditions that led to a massive penis who thinks of himself as a competent businessman to grow his ambitions - blaming the president for creating a feeling of freedom, common sense and truth that the acclaimed bullshit artist rushed in to fill.
“In many respects, you know, they honour The Donald. Obama honours The Donald. You know?’, lamented ISIS spokesman Simon Al-Williams, working himself into a lather at the end of a full day’s executioning.
“He is the founder of Trump! He’s the founder of Trump, okay? He founded Trump!
“Between them, they created this culture of telling the truth. What they didn’t understand was that a large majority of Americans don’t want to hear the truth! They wanted to be plied with what they think is true!
“So, conditions were perfect for a man with a dead rat on his head to come out saying all sorts of shite that they wanted to hear. No-one wants to know how it is! Don’t politicians understand that.
“I still don’t know why he does that rat thing, by the way. Is it a cultural thing we don’t understand? Like equality?
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting sucked off by this power vacuum.”
Manchester United pay more for player than they can win in prize money
9th August 2016
Manchester United today paid nearly £100million today for Paul Pogba in an attempt to win a tournament whose prize money is a staggering quarter of that total.
Should their gamble pay-off and they win the Premier League, they will be £75 million worse off, rather than a lot more worse off than that.
“This makes perfect sense, “ says Chief Executive and former deceased actor, Ed Woodward, going a long way to explaining why a football club could never rival a proper business.
“We pay all this money, much more than everyone else, and if we win - and it’s a big if - we are only £75 million worse off than if we didn’t win it. Whereas if we didn’t pay that money by not signing him, then subsequently didn’t win it, we would probably be financially much better off because of the unique way football television rights deals are funded.
“No, wait a minute. What I said doesn’t actually make any sense, does it? Hang on a sec.”
Mr Woodward then mumbled a bit to himself, before starting again.
“So, what I meant was: we pay this enormous, enormous fee - massive - and then we don’t win as much as that, regardless of how many things we win, before we even take into account the many millions we’ve already spent on other players.
“No, that’s not right either. Wait there just one minute.
“Jose! Jose! What was it you said when we said you could pay £100 million for that guy we originally let go for free…”
Mr Woodward was unavailable for further comment.
Bernie Ecclestone negotiating with kidnappers over rights to mother-in-law
26th July 2016
Bernie Ecclestone is currently in negotiations with kidnappers over the rights to his own mother-in-law.
The deal would see Mr Ecclestone’s mother-in-law’s visits extending to 21 for the forthcoming season, including a return to his house in Abu Dhabi for the first time since 2013, though the new configuration is expected to see a vast reduction in noise.
Judgemental, uncompromising and very likely to hit people with a handbag, Mr Ecclestone is famous for inflicting hours upon hours of tedium on the general public as they watch one of two drivers win race after race after race in Formula 1.
Mr Ecclestone, notorious for driving a hard bargain, said, “The kidnappers know I’m in a much stronger bargaining position.
“My mother-in-law is incessantly banging to the kidnappers on about what a disappointing husband I am to her daughter. I know she is, because I heard her on the phone in the background. In fact, I had to repeat myself more than once to be heard.
“It makes all those Les Dawson jokes seem much more pertinent.”
Kidnapper Simon Williams said, “So far, he’s got us to drop the price to £22.50, but he’s promised that we’ll get all future rights deal on the lady, though we do have to walk around covered in sponsorship.
“He didn’t seem that bothered to be honest, but I think it’s because for rich people like him, any kidnapping is a tax write-off.”
Knighthoods returned after 'crusade obligation' comes to light
26th July 2016
Sir Philip Green is said to be ‘perfectly happy’ to have his knighthood rescinded as he's not particularly interested in being the first to put on a shiny suit of armour for the purposes of crusading.
Traditionally the first to be involved in any ongoing religious warfare, the knights of the realm are the initial team deployed to iron out any issues of a pious bent.
Expert on the crusades, Simon Williams, explains, “When this smallprint recently came to light, the current batch of sitting knights have strongly voiced their concerns that this was not mentioned within the terms and conditions. Many believe it quite rude that Her Majesty herself failed to mention it when waving that sword around their heads.
“In particular, Sir Bruce Forsyth believes himself ‘too old and frail to pick up a broadsword’ and Sir Elton John thinks that the ‘bling my unicorn would have to carry would only weigh it down’.
“Sir Paul McCartney is alright with it though, as he’s convinced he’s invented war and believes you can see his influence in every war held since.”
Soon-to-be-not Sir Philip Green is laughing all the way to his bank now he will no longer have to worry about this scenario, believing the sooner his knighthood status is revoked the better. This allows him to fully concentrate on his crucial role: rolling around on a bed full of cash now able to avoid fulfilling his obligation to the crown as well as those he has to BHS pension scheme members.
Fred Goodwin has rung Mr Green to congratulate him on this particular success, but mentioned how he noticed the contractual condition a long while ago and managed to wangle his own escape route.
A number of celebrity ‘70’s knights’ allegedly came up with a scheme to avoid the obligation, none of which have yet paid off in the way they quite expected.
Scientists make world’s smallest hard drive by using Donald Trump supporter brains
19th July 2016
Scientists have fashioned the world’s smallest-scale hard drive by utilising the brains of Donald Trump supporters, pissing on the bonfire of the scientists who had created an atom-scaled version within a matter of hours.
The quest for storage devices that cram as much information as possible into the tiniest space was thought to be limited to the size of individual atoms. However, the average Trump supporter brain is smaller than any individual atom, meaning storage based upon the notion would revolutionise data storage.
Simon Williams, IT expert, says, “An atom is many, many millions of times bigger. If the Trump brain was the size of a golf ball, the atom would be around the size of our universe and the eight or nine surrounding universes.
“However, technically, yes, this would be the smallest storage space known to mankind. But changing the state of a Trump supporter brain is notoriously difficult - if not impossible - to do, such is their fixed viewpoint.
“Thus, the storage system would be entirely useless unless you wanted some expensive piece of technology to agree with you - by chanting - regardless of what you were asking it.
“Conversely, it would take a large amount of very dangerous people off the streets and pack them uncomfortably close in large data centres.
“It would be relatively easy to get them to buy into the idea though. We’ll just get Trump to sell it to them.
“If we then built a perimeter wall to keep them in, they’d happily stay in there forever.”
Michael Gove refused leading Daesh position for being ‘too right-wing’
15th July 2016
Unemployed shambles Michael Gove has been refused a leading position in the so-called Islamic State organisation after being considered ‘way too right-wing’.
The unexpected opening was advertised in the Daily Mail after ginger battler Omar Al-Shashani - the group’s equivalent of Secretary of Defence - was killed during a battle in Sharqat.
The interview panel, comprising the Daesh Chief Executive. The Chief Operating Officer, a woman pretending to be a man from HR and a consultant brought in specially from the Taliban, unanimously thought that Gove was ‘far too right-wing in his ideas, even for an organisation such as this’.
“He was also untrustworthy. And that’s coming from a man who could shake your hand wearing a suicide vest.”
Afterwards, cockwomble Gove, famed for being a ‘reformer’, said “I had some serious ideas I thought I could bring to their rickety old table.
“For instance, as women are not allowed to do anything at all in IS society, why have them draining the resources available? Just think of all the black cloth necessary they have to use to cover themselves entirely!
“No, an entirely male society is what they need to streamline the operation and allow them to take back control.
“Furthermore, if they stop killing people in medieval ways, you save lots of resource, such as machete makers and those in the service industry who have to clean the floor up afterwards. We can instead utilise those manufacturing areas to supplement the armed forces.
“And why be stuck in the early 1800s? You need to aim way, WAY further back. To the 1500s, or even the 900s or something. If you’re going to go all Dark Ages, do it properly!
“It struck me they really hadn’t thought this through. It’s like a bunch of charismatic idiots convinced them something was a good idea, but then really failed to deliver on any promises as they were all based upon lies and nonsense. But that’s something that keeps repeating itself in history.”
PM regenerates ‘as woman’
13th July 2016
In the long-running British fictional series, 'HM Government', the PM has regenerated into their 76th incarnation, and only the second female to ever play the role.
The new thespian was ecstatic, after it was revealed the other finalist caved under the pressure of the audition, delivering a monologue stolen from MumsNet.
The previous artist declared he was happy with the choice of replacement but encouraged her ‘to build it in her own vision’ rather than continuing his personal mahogany face makeup, pig fellatio and country-fucking referendum schtick that really made the role his own.
The part was played by a woman previously, splitting critics down the middle, but was seen as crucial in building appeal to the key European market. However, there was stern criticism that there was too much emphasis on commercialisation.
Worried fans of the series have been assuaged by promises that the new PM will continue to fight the traditional nemeses, The Labour Party, under her tenure. There were worries that these long-established enemies were being reimagined in some form but it looks very much like a wrinkly old leader will continue in the role, with his conventional battle cry of ‘Obdurate! Obdurate!’
Nicky Morgan planning on using teacher strikes to stop teacher strikes
5th July 2016
Education minister Nicky Morgan has suggested carpet bomb striking teachers in efforts to stop them striking.
“I was all for teachers’ strikes to be honest,” said Ms Morgan. “But then someone told me that didn’t mean cluster bombing them to oblivion, at which point I changed my mind and decided to change the meaning of the term.
“If you see any more reports about teachers’ strikes, you can bet their life, it’s us who’ll be leading those ‘discussions’ from now on!”
The Michael Gove puppet continued, “I’m bloody pissed off with them striking. They only work til’ 3 o’clock and look at all the holidays they get!”
“‘I’ve got my marking’, they whinge. Well, look at me. I’VE got to decide the direction of this country’s Education with absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever. That’s hard enough without you bastards not turning up for work.
“I’m going to get the army in to bomb you all!" then laughed maniacally.
Her Chief Press Officer then muttered in her ear, before she continued.
"Apparently, I'm getting the army in to TEACH the classes, as per Michael 'Arsehole' Gove's grand plan of super unqualified teachers. I unreservedly apologise for the misunderstanding. No further questions."
Gardening experts admit leaves experiment has not made grass greener
29th June 2016
Gardening experts have admitted that an experiment undertaken using leaves to make the grass much greener in the UK appears not to have had any effect.
“The grass is appearing much less green than expected,” said upcoming Prime Gardener of Gardening UK plc, Simon Williams. “In fact, as gardeners realised it had not only not gone to plan, the grass has gone very brown where they had suddenly soiled themselves.”
“Before this experiment, I went to other countries such as Norway and Switzerland and noted how much greener their grass was and was initially very positive about how the leaves could affect our lawns.
“But since we finished our experiment on Friday morning, all of a sudden and contrary to the expectations of 52% of gardeners we asked, the grass has become much, much greener in the EU bloc. It’s quite striking really. A very lovely, verdant green.
“A lot of us are thinking we’d like that green now instead. And perhaps the leaves experiment is not what we should have done. Certainly not on such a large scale.
“I think we were, to a large extent, misinformed. People said by spreading leaves all over it, it would encourage growth, and by using leaves instead of manure, there’d be much more money to spend on the health of the turf. But now I’ve said the metaphor out loud, it does seem like a ridiculous proposition.
“Also, we thought that by having a significant proportion of us using leaves, we’d make a point, and gardening experts would realise we were quite willing to cover most of the lawn in leaves, but maybe still less than half, so it still thrived.
“But in the main, we were pretty stupid to all do it at once. Now the gardening experts are committed to using leaves all over all the lawns, which will probably kill the lawns. But there’s nothing we can do now, is there?
“Bar, you know, electing some sort of ridiculous, bumbling clown in as the head of the gardening experts to dance all over it, riding a unicycle. That’ll probably help.”
Human being drives straight into car park and parks car
26th June 2016
A human being today drove into a car park and parked perfectly for the first time in recorded history.
There was no evidence of reversing in and out to ‘straighten up’, nor was the car askew, parked on one or both of the white lines and there was even enough room on both sides for the occupants of other vehicles to exit without necessarily banging the doors or muttering ‘Penis!’ slightly loudly than strictly necessary.
The amazing feat was confirmed by an adjudicator from The Guinness Book of Records, who described it as ‘unprecedented.’
NCP historian Simon Williams said, “This guy just drove in and didn’t fanny around driving in and out nor stopping entirely at random discourteously to the people behind him who all have superior driving skills. Just straight in, no fucking about. Job done.
“Everybody was so impressed. Even the Land Rover drivers, who all seem to have forgotten they had forgone the right to park in a car park once they’d purchased a battleship-sized Land Rover.”
The man was later witnessed beating the shit out of the ticket machine as it refused to recognised his only ten pence piece.
Voter realises politicians ARE better than him after all
25th June 2016
A voter woke up this morning with the realisation that all politicians are better than him actually, despite what they lead you to think.
Simon Williams, 39, who voted ‘Leave’ as a protest vote, awoke and immediately thought, “Fuck me. Politics is REALLY hard.”
Williams continued, “I suddenly realised they work a shitload harder than everyone else, cos they do a job, make connections and avoid pissing people off to rise through the ranks. All because they want to help improve society.
“Which is more than any of us do.
“They are better than me, sitting at a computer all day, collecting my pay packet without any aspirations. They are better than my mate Trev, who’s worked on a fish counter for 15 years and never once asked for a promotion DESPITE the smell and they are better than my wife, who’s a teacher and gives up her spare time to look after sick puppies. And she’s a fucking *angel*!
“It’s true that they wouldn’t do any of those jobs… because their work ethic would’ve got them promoted within a week.
“It suddenly dawned on me that we are REALLY unqualified to make important decisions. At best, decide which type of milk to buy which, to be honest, I find really difficult, let alone ‘split up Europe’ because I just about managed to write spell ‘X’ in a box,
“Admittedly, I then ominously wrote ‘Well, we’ll just have to see’ in comments on lots of different websites, because I genuinely don’t know what the hell I’ve voted for, but I don’t really think that’s officially part of the democratic process.
“Jeez, we shit all over their work, then sit back and think ‘deal with that then, you fuckers’ with absolutely no regard for the consequences.
“And then we complain when they fuck that up too, absolving ourselves by saying ‘well, what do you expect when you let us make decisions?’.
“Honestly, if we had a referendum to eradicate politicians, this country would overwhelmingly vote ‘YES!’, then sit back, and the whole thing would go to shit as no-one takes any responsibility for anything. You know, like at my office.
“We don’t fucking deserve them, if I’m honest.
“That said, I’ll still complain when this referendum doesn’t turn out EXACTLY as I wanted, despite not being a single concrete promise made in the whole fiasco.”
Man baffled by lack of press coverage after coming home from work
19th June 2016
A man has been left sorely disappointed after no paparazzi were waiting for him at home when he returned from work today.
Simon Williams, 38, IT consultant, thought this was a new government policy after there was a ludicrous media circus when an astronaut came home from work earlier this week.
“All my life, and many lives before mine, people have been told that ‘what goes up, must come down’, so why do we seem so surprised that a man came back from space?
“I thought the only way that this is news, is that every single person in the UK would now have to suffer a media storm once they’d returned from work.
“Thus, I took extra notes today and was actually really excited about telling News International all about my meeting regarding the complexity and deliberate obfuscation of the Oracle licencing model.
“Boy! Would that have been an incredible six-page spread. Fascinating!
“But no. Instead, there’s a man in a moonsuit who can’t walk. C’mon mate, we all get a bit tired after work, but you’re taking the piss. At least down here gravity’s dragging you down. He doesn’t even have that excuse!”
Tomorrow we’ll be running a special report where many workers say ‘Fuck no!’ when asked if they’re looking forward to going back to work.
Man with initials PJS not allowed to have superinjunction for ‘no reason’
6th June 2015
A man requesting a superinjunction whose initials are PJS has been denied the request for ‘no reason’.
The man, who was involved in some heinous, unforgivable thing that we would be unable to comment on had the request been granted, but now can, is disappointed, “Obviously, it is very disappointing that we went through this whole process that we can’t talk about until the point where I told the judge my initials and he suddenly denied it for some unspecified reason.
“Obviously I can think of absolutely no reason why this would happen.
“I mean, if there were some other case featuring someone with the same initials, I could understand, but I’ve not seen anything reported anywhere, so can only assume that’s not the case.
“I mean, that would be some sort of restriction on the freedom of the press, wouldn’t it? Take that away and we’re back in Nazi Germany. So it can’t be that.”
PJS then walked off, distraught in the knowledge that upcoming reports would appear detailing his preference of Coca-Cola over his lucrative sponsors Pepsi.
Average speed cameras ‘reduce deaths on road’ say authorities from new base in Monaco
31st May 2016
Average speed cameras, now covering more than double the length of road as that of three years ago, help reduce deaths on the road, say all police forces from their new bases in Monte Carlo.
The Head of the Metropolitan police, Lord Simon Williams, whose title was purchased, speaking whilst sitting in a throne, wearing a crown, direct from the New New Scotland Yard headquarters in a bejewelled palace in Monaco, said the cameras were not all about making money.
“‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello.
“All members of police forces up and down the country now live in fabulous 12 bedroom plus mansions and hire people to do their work for them in Britain.
“It’s important they have this luxury, as this allows them to get away from the real stress of the beat.”
Asked if they plan to use the money to deal with other kinds of crime, Emperor Williams, a further purchased title, continued, “We’re committed to getting all the scum off the streets. And by that I mean those doing 55mph in some coned off bit of the motorway where no-one is working; now accounting for 120% of all motorways in the UK.”
When probed further about violent crime, he continued, “Nah, of course not. There’s no money in murder and rape. Somebody else will have to do the pro bono work.
“Now piss off. I need to ring my hedge fund manager.”
London’s most high-profile criminal underworld overlord was rubbing his hands at the news, “This is the best news I’ve heard all year!
"I’ve already enrolled in a Police recruitment course - that’s how to make REAL money!”
Eurovision convinces US to Americentrance
14th May 2016
This year's coverage of Eurovision Song Contest had convinced the United States to join the European Union.
Already on the verge of joining solely because of Michael Gove, Congress were united together as one, watching the whole show live at Trump Tower, on a night when Bernie Sanders won $52 trillion on the sweepstake, as Obama cheered on Russia with his arm around Mr Trump's butler.
Alabaman and Vietnam vet Simon Williams said, “It was amazing! The whole country went mad for it! Particularly those states that are against gay marriage!
“A big reason it went down so well is probably all those strobe lights. They reminded us how much we like airstrikes on that side of the Atlantic.”
America are now expected to crash the EU party, drink way too much German lager, then turn everything a little ugly by making everyone use the dollar before threatening nuclear war in order to get their own way then having the CIA spy on everybody.
But they'll do it all in sparkly outfits to a thumping Europop beat, so it's all okay!
Abramovich unveils ‘major BBC overhaul’
12th May 2016
Roman Abramovich has bought the BBC in a bid to restore them to their apocryphal former glory.
He hopes to use the tried and tested method of using a succession of managers each for 6 to 9 months in a bid to make the corporation better; his ultimate aim to achieve the halcyon, scandal-less days of the 70s once again.
Eden Hazard will be brought in from his current ineffective role to work tirelessly in the centre of the institution making up for the other slackers, who will in turn be shipped out on loan to Dave and Gold.
Simon Williams, one of 200,000 managers in his tier of the plethora of tiers of middle manager, doesn't understand what is wrong, “I really don’t understand what everyone’s problem with the Beeb is. I’ve asked my manager, and she’s asked her manager, and he’s asked his manager right up through the 11,999 managers all the way to the top and no-one knows quite how we’re ‘wasting money’.”
Williams, a trisexual, vertically- and horizontally-challenged, pregnant, Jedi of Antarctican descent continued, “It’s probably that their Equal Opportunities policy is one the most stringent in the world. And if you have to be more equal than others, well, that’s going to cost a shedload of cash.
“Regardless, I’m sure Mr Abramovich will sort things out. And if he insists on giving me a fifty grand a week, 5-year contract before sacking me next week, that is entirely his right.”
It is not known if Abramovich has any further financial backers at his disposal although a plan has been leaked to illegally occupy ITV, resulting in Ben Shepherd being detained as a ‘war criminal’.
Nationwide up home loan age to undead
9th May 2016
Nationwide Building Society have raised the age limit for mortgage borrowers to ‘undead’.
In a clear sign of the increasing cost of owning your own home, Nationwide have decided to stop death being a barrier to paying over the odds for your mortgage.
Nationwide mortgage advisor Simon Williams said, “With the sheer lunacy of house prices, in combination with the greed of housing construction companies, it’s clear that with even the shittiest property costs too much to afford paying back in a single lifetime.
“Given that most people will also be paying off student loans till beyond their seventies, we need to make provision for people to continue paying for their homes after they’ve died including, but certainly not limited to, zombies, ghosts and vampires.
“Whilst stakeholders are on this planet, regardless of their ‘life status’, they are able to continue working. For instance, vampires are second-to-none as blood collection nurses. For some reason, they seem to have more of a stake in it. Well, perhaps stake is a bad word.
“Anyway, zombies are brilliant at electricity generation if you put them on a treadmill with a picture of Peter Andre at one end. They literally never stop walking towards it and don’t even need to stop for lunch or toilet breaks.
“If he starts singing they even up their pace towards him, moaning even more!”
The offer doesn’t extend to all the undead yet, as Williams explains, ““No werewolves though, cos they’re dogs. And dogs don’t pay mortgages.
“At least, not till we change section 23, subsection (ii).”
Veteran vampire Count Dracula said, “I’m glad I own my castle outright. If I had to buy it at today’s Transylvanian prices, I’d be paying it off until well after I died. And I’m immortal!”
Bank and Mum of Dad ‘biggest bastards’ in finance sector
3rd May 2016
Despite pumping an estimated £5bn into the mortgage market, making them a top 10 largest lender, The Bank of Mum and Dad have been widely criticized by their customers for having the harshest terms and conditions of any mortgage lender on the market.
Stakeholder and ‘son’, Simon Williams, who was gifted £50,000 by his parents for some property, is complaining to the financial ombudsman,
“I went into the branch, which looks a lot like their kitchen, and they were just plain rude to me and made me feel like a right little shit.
“Fair enough, there is no interest, and I don’t actually have to pay them back at all really, but the terms and conditions are unrealistic and grossly unfair.
“Stop dropping your kids off here whenever you feel like a night off!’, ‘Don’t ring me from the middle of fucking nowhere at 2am cos you feel asleep on the train and can’t get home!’, ‘Your wife will leave you again if you keep drinking so much!’ blah blah blah.
“The usual high-street lenders' almost impossible lending criteria are a breeze by comparison.
“I mean, it’s only fifty grand. All they’ve done is given me the 5% I need for a deposit on a 1-bedroom, 2 foot-by-2 foot cupboard above a brothel in central London, so I don’t move my family in with them. If anything, I’m doing THEM a favour!
A spokesman for The Bank of Mum and Dad, a Mr Dad, made a statement of behalf of the institution, “Simon was a right little bastard growing up and is ungrateful for pretty much everything including, but certainly not limited to:
(a) new football shirts every season,
(b) a massive collection of Transformers that he broke and/or lost, and
(c) literally thousands of pounds we wasted on him finishing the Mexico ‘86 Panini sticker album. Except for Bulgaria’s Bozidar Iskrenov.
“We have, with hindsight, further introduced a policy of spoiling his kids so they piss him off equally by saying ‘Well, Granny lets me jump on the sofas and feeds me chocolate.’”
Williams is considering remortgaging with Wonga, “Yes, I know I have to pay them back the national debt of Japan within about five years, but at least they don’t fucking guilt-trip me for the rest of my life.”
Tim Peake officially 'just fucking about now'
29th April 2016
British Astronaut Tim Peake is officially 'just fucking about now' with neither the Americans nor Russians trusting a Brit to do anything important on the International Space Station.
Mr Peake is now controlling a robot from space, having already ‘run’ a marathon without gravity and reading out the New Year’s message.
ISS commander Cymmon Williamski clarified the situation, “This was obviously a marketing campaign from the beginning, which we Russians and our US comrades were fully aware of, and we are surprised no-one in Britingland knew of this.
“I mean, you have not had many people from there in space, so with that track record we’d be bonkers to trust one of you to fix important things like solar panels or rocket launchers.
“No, no. Far better to give him a remote control and tell him to make a vacuum cleaner move around the Earth's floor and hoover up my house.
“I mean, I am up here for a year. Someone has to do it or it'll get very dusty.
“Anyway, having spoken to him at length about these things,” Williamski yawned at great length, “I’m not surprised his wife sent the application form in.”
Tomorrow, Mr Peake is on the roster to sing ‘Fly Me to the Moon’, prance about doing gymnastics like Lizzy Webb and ‘have a shit in space’ which BBC News are expected to plaster all over the front of their website like it's some massive achievement.
The Sun can be sued by phone-hacking victims says child of 2
28th April 2016
It has been decided that The Sun can be sued by phone-hacking victims now it has been discovered that even a child of 2-years-old thought that’s what would happen, despite them thinking things like monsters are going to get them in the dark and that Sooty is a real bear.
Neither could the child understand why this went all the way to the High Court despite being clearer than CBeebies HD since the beginning, asking ‘Why has so much taxpayers’ money been wasted, Daddy?’
Father Simon Williams tells the story, “The High Court demanded that the least developed of 2-year-olds was necessarily chosen for this task, and I’m proud to say my little one beat off competition from all sorts of reality stars’ kids by being that little bit thicker.
“My little one also pointed out to me, that The Sun will have to pay compensation AND court costs and they suggested that no-one at the paper knows what they’re doing since Kelvin Mackenzie left.
“And no-one knew what they were doing when he was there, either.”
Williams, 34, continued, “I still think all this could have been avoided if they’d just learn to use a comma properly, and not think of it as a tool purely for describing someone’s age.”
With all the current crises surrounding the ‘newspaper’, no-one is thought to be reading the Sun anymore anyway. Experts have put this down to the tits in the boardroom being much bigger than the ones on page 3.
‘UK must leave Human Rights convention’, says Theresa May to people strapped into chairs with their eyes forcibly kept open
26th April 2016
The United Kingdom ‘must leave’ the European convention on human rights, Theresa May today suggested forcefully to a group of innocent bystanders herded into a room against their will, strapped into chairs and having their eyes kept open like in the Conservative Propaganda film ‘A Clockwork Orange’.
May herself said, ‘This country is going to the dogs. The only way we can keep people in line is to get ourselves out of this ridiculous convention of giving our citizens any rights whatsoever.
“I mean, it’s all very well being all namby-pamby and that, but when your 18-month-old child shits its nappy, water-boarding is the only real proven solution.
“These miscreants don’t really seem to understand words of any kind, however diplomatic, so should be punished appropriately.
“Don’t get me wrong, torture is not really very nice, but sometimes - and I stress very occasionally - it has its place. Like for that guy who threw my copy of ‘OK!’ magazine into the bush in the front garden, for instance. Hanging’s literally too good for him.”
She continued as our reporter attempted to wriggle free, “The Human Rights Act is in place to ensure we treat each other with equality, fairness, dignity and respect. Seriously!? I’m a Tory MP, for God’s sake; so my very mindset makes me a criminal!
“Think about it: legislation to workaround the Act has been in place for a while now. Zero-hour contracts have effectively legalised slavery; ‘anti-discrimination’ can’t, by definition, exist as long as we have a Conservative Party and if torture was really illegal, ITV2 would never have been commissioned.
“No no no, far better to abolish this nonsense and then we can get on with pogromming for working-classes like they deserve for their self-inflicted lack of opportunities.”
A spokesman for the opposing point of view was unavailable for comment, as he was bound and gagged. Literally, not by superinjunction.
Organised crime gangs to be severely fined for ‘fixing’ murder rates
21st April 2016
Organised criminal gangs are set to be severely punished by their regulator for fixing the country’s murder rates.
The murder rate was largely thought to be a random number, based upon a multitude of different triggers; such as crimes of passion, drug-abuse and ‘people who looked at me funny.’
However, OfYernut, who oversee criminal activity ensuring it is practiced within in the bounds of fairness, discovered that these rates were being fixed by criminal overlords in order to increase their illicit earnings by a complicated system of spread-betting.
Hitman-for-hire, Simon Williams explains, “Yeah, there were some very strict limits on who could be killed in a financial period, in order that the stats could be skewed. We were basically employing ‘death accountants’ to keep us on the straight and narrow… So to speak.
“When it comes down to it, legitimate business coupled with tax avoidance has become far more lucrative than crime could ever be. Plus, everyone hates them more than any criminals, however hard we try.
“Even I paid more tax than them bastards. And I’m an assassin!”
When questioned upon the impact, Police Commissioner William Simons elucidated, “Well, now we know the murder rate is fixed, we can employ Murder Squad detectives in line with those rates. Especially the alcoholic, divorced loose cannons, who will be free to pursue their TV careers.”
In order to lower crime rates nationally, there have been calls for murder to be legalised. However, many see it as sidestepping the real issues at hand.
Dolmio and Uncle Ben’s put ‘Once Weekly’ warning on back of packs for people who can't read back of packs
15th April 2016
The maker of popular foods such as Dolmio and Uncle Ben’s have kindly decided to help those who can't read information on the back of the packets by putting a further message on the back of the packets.
Mars Foods has confirmed that some of its food should only be consumed once a week, which is a massive increase to 52 times a year for already sensible people.
Dolmio enthusiast Simon ‘Uncle Ben’ Williams said, “This is a disgrace! Clearly marketed as health foods with the way they look so yummy, I never felt it necessary to look at the charts of the back. I've been eating them as five of my five a day.”
“Also, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, I'm known as ‘Uncle Ben’ to my nieces and nephews. Legally, now I'll only be able to see them once a week.”
However, it was confirmed the irritating, borderline racist ‘Dolmio muppets’ characters will continue to be on television in every single advertisement break.
Culture Secretary John Whittingdale ends UK’s tax hell
13th April 2016
Culture Secretary John Whittingdale finally snapped and admitted to a relationship with an escort in a bid to stop the endless stories of tax that have dominated the headlines since what feel like a million years ago.
The entire UK thanked him as they had had it ‘up to here’ with the tedious tales of accounting, that have brought the country to the brink of civil war.
Labour thanked him profusely for allowing the public to re-engage with real news, before calling for him to resign because ‘that’s what is says at the end of the template for any response to Tory announcements.’
Satirical news websites are expected to reopen for business very soon, having given up trying to make Excel spreadsheets funny long ago.
Prime Minister David Cameron stated, “The country thanks John for bringing an end to this horrible, horrible situation and we can go back to issues that clearly weren’t as important as some numbers in a bank account; like Syria, the refugee crisis and terrorism.
“I’d also like to add, on a personal note, thank golly gosh for that. Now people will probably get off my back and stop calling me a dick,” he added, over-optimistically.
Tax now ‘most common’ term on internet
11th April 2016
Tax is now the most common thing to find on the internet, despite being very difficult to find in reality.
It has also surpassed ‘new Star Wars movie torrent’ and ‘Magaluf sex girl’ as the most tediously searched for term.
Billions and billions and billions of pages are now dedicated to discussing tax in infinitely more tedious ways, none of which are any more interesting than the end of this sentence. Many are now showing actual numbers, which the internet both relies upon and is bored shitless by.
The search engine throws up billions in tax when the term is typed in. However, when sending it a bill for tax, absolutely nothing is returned.
Tax Analyst Simon Williams says there are good reasons for the high number of searches, “One theory behind the high number of searches is that HMRC have no idea where to look so just keep typing ‘tax’ into Google hoping it will show up somewhere.
“It’s obvious that tax isn’t particularly tangible. At best, it’s nebulous and at worst, downright apocryphal. And that’s exactly the sort of thing the internet’s for.
“What the government seems to be lacking, like a lot of internet content, is a way to actually monetize tax.
“The good news, however, is that last year’s crisis of underused pound signs appears to have been rectified but there is now a critical risk of overuse.”
PM releases Call of Duty data amid row
10th April 2016
David Cameron has revealed documents proving he made a double kill in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare in 0.08 seconds amidst a row with user BigFuckOffGuns.
The user, real name Simon Williams, an ardent pacifist, had previously claimed Cameron was avoiding his true his gaming affairs, and also that he turned off his PS4 as he was about to lose.
These accusations of rage quitting were quickly refuted as Downing Street revealed Cameron - screen name PanamaEvader267 - had to leave swiftly ‘because of the Tax crisis’.
Williams replied “That is a load of hokum. Since when did anyone need to do anything quickly with tax. It’s not like he had to hide it quickly or anything.”
The documents also reveal that Cameron captured a flag in 1m40s - a world record, pwning everyone’s ass - and that he played Just Dance 4 for a world record consecutive 49 hours, 4 minutes and 15 seconds which, apparently, is quite easy if you can’t get Las Ketchup out of your head anyway.
Cameron admitted “No, it’s not been a good week for me. Except in gaming where I RULEZ LOLZ!”
Icelandic PM quits over accusations of not being Bjork
6th April 2016
The Icelandic Prime Minister has quit amidst accusations he is not world famous singer Bjork.
As the world reels from the worldwide tax evasion crisis, suspicion of wrongdoing fell squarely on the Icelandic premier.
As the scandal unraveled further and progressively more incredulous accusations proved to be true, the most unfathomable deceit blew everything else completely out of the water: the position was not held by Bjork.
Journalist Simon Williams revealed the exclusive. “I was interviewing the PM for a feature and got a bit suspicious after about half an hour because they hadn't burst into either a random squealing nor an impromptu rendition of Big Time Sensuality.
“Then it dawned on me that the PM appeared to be a bit more of a fat man than expected. Then, when I realised there wasn't a live swan flapping around on their head and he put together a sentence that made complete sense, I thought: ‘OH MY GOD! YOU'RE NOT BJORK!’”
Iceland fan and constant visitor Randy McBandy said “I can't believe everyone thought the PM was Bjork!
“Obviously not everyone is as big a fan as me. Though I must admit I thought he was Eidur Gudjohnsen.”
Internet has still not yet replaced ‘old boys’ network’
23rd March 2016
The internet is still struggling to in its battle to beat the old boys network as the most effective tool for career progression.
Many companies have replaced their old boys networks with the new-fangled internet, as that seems to be much quicker for actually getting work done. But the workshy, clueless people at the top end who earn all the moolah prefer to play golf whilst fondling each others’ testicles in order to get jobs and business.
Whilst everyone knows the internet is a vast framework of computers plugged into each other, it is less widely realised that it is merely a technological update of its very successful forerunner, the old boys’ network, with computers now replacing mouths and wires superceding penises.
This replacement of necessarily having a penis was thought to be key in the wider topic of women women being able to progress to top positions.
Serial CEO Simon Williams said, “It was thought that the old boys network had been supplanted by technology nowadays, but a real drawback of technological revolution is that it turns out people can really easily lie online and this has turned into a brazen culture of women applying for the top jobs.
“Some of them are, frankly, utterly shameless when applying and don’t even attempt to attach a picture of a man - any man, not even a hobo or Jeremy Kyle - to their application form!”
Freely admitting that he got all his previous high-flying roles because of his willingness to let other bigwigs caress his sack, Williams continued, “You’ve got to work extremely hard to get these jobs and, let’s speak plainly here, women just aren’t as good as kissing a man’s arse as other men are.”
A woman was not available for comment as we didn’t know any.
Ex-F1 driver Pastor Maldonado hired as Google car consultant
21st March 2016
Dropped Formula 1 ‘driver’ Pastor Maldonado has been hired by Google’s secretive X department to help with their ‘self-crashing’ car.
The F1 race season began yesterday without Maldonado, who lost his £30m Venezuelan government funding when it transpired this was no longer enough to cover his insurance premiums.
In the first example of his unsurpassed knowledge, the autonomous vehicle last week crashed into a bus. Google’s Head of Violent Collisions, Simon Williams, said: “We thought: if we’re going to crash, we should crash better than anyone else in the world. And who do you go to when you need to crash: Pastor!
“Everyone knows Pastor’s head and shoulders above everyone in the field. And he's frequently the only one ending up in that field, with no examples of taking his foot off the accelerator and braking through all kinds of barriers.
“Pastor crashes more than a dodgy iPhone app. This is the man Google have been praying for to take them quite literally through the boundaries and smashing head-first into the tyre wall of progress.”
A senior Google executive was very pleased with the acquisition, stating, “We’ve got all sorts of things lined up for him: lorries, other cars, verminous wildlife and pedestrians.”
“We expect him to miss all his targets.”
Osborne raising ‘Stealth’ taxes could backfire, warns assassin
16th March 2016
George Osborne’s plans to raise stealth taxes could backfire badly, say employees based in the stealth industries.
Government spies, Special Forces commandos and Stealth Bomber pilots are amongst those who are livid that they are being targeted for tax hikes whilst people in ‘high-visibility’ industries, such as lollipop ladies, builders and chuggers are getting off scot-free.
Through a voice changing device, an assassin, Simon Williams, who wanted to remain nameless said, “Think about it: as usual we’re the obvious targets. Well, not obvious per se. You can’t actually see us or anything we do. We’re the silent killers… Well, after high blood pressure. Anyway, you see where I’m going. Well, you don’t… but you know what I mean. I think.”
“We’re not the kind of people you want to piss off. I mean, we have all the necessary tools to really make your life a very real misery: placards, letter-writing equipment and a trade union. What could be more dangerous than any of that?”
“Ow!” He added, as he cut his gum whilst flossing his teeth with garrotting wire.
“In fact, all of us involved in the stealth industries are planning a protest in London tomorrow. Though obviously none of us will be present due to the nature of our work. But it's the thought that counts.
Managerial merry-go-round to be dropped from fairground
11th March 2016
After hundreds of years of use, the famous Managerial Merry-Go-Round is finally being retired from the football fairground.
Ride owner Simon Williams says, “This tired analogy has been used and re-used to the point that it’s finally broken. Earlier today, one of Harry’s horses just dropped off with Steve McLaren on it and Rafa Benitez just got on where it should have been!
“Everyone has had a go on every single bit of it now, some of them two or three times. That Sam Allardyce cannot get enough; you should see the smile on his face when his mum lets him have another go.
“I’m glad that Neil Warnock has got off though. He was jumping around like billio. Never sat still!”
When asked how much he made over the years, Williams lamented, “It was odd really. They paid me a fair amount to get on, but it cost me millions to get them off! Some of them refused to go saying I told them to stay on for three or four years.
The attraction will be retired at the end of the season, when Arsene Wenger finally gets off.
Wingers’ Dodgems and Centre-back’s Rifle Range are still available to play, though Journeyman’s Adventure is expected to be cut short through injury.
The ‘More Clubs Than Steve Claridge’ Crazy Golf will be retired now footballers only have to play for five years to have more money that Warren Buffet.
Energy companies restricted to making only gigantic profits
10th March 2016
Millions of low-income families could see power bill cuts, after a Watchdog’s report into energy pricing may force energy companies to reduce their light-years’ high piles of cash to a more meagre ‘shit-load’.
Cuts could see energy companies restricted to making only gigantic profits rather than the usual ludicrous, humongous, enormosaurus profits they are used to making and redirecting to offshore bank accounts for those tax reasons that the government keep talking, but never actually doing anything, about.
High-ranking executive at a popular British supplier of gas, Simon Williams explains, “The natural cause of events is that we moan on about the price of fuel and have to raise prices.
“Then, when the price of fuel is cut by 80%, we moan on about how we’re competitive in the market, all the while giving our chief executive unfathomable remuneration for doing a job a fetid piece of toast could actually do.
“The British public then all go boo-hoo-hoo and start giving money to us, rather than stuff that doesn’t know how to use it, like ‘Sport Relief’ or ‘Children In Need’.”
He paused, pensively, before adding, “Isn’t it? Now I’ve said it out loud, I feel like a right twat.”
A price-cap on how pre-payment meters was expecting to free up more money for low-income families to finally afford food. However, this will not be the case, as food guy Phat Stinky-McRich explains, “It’s very complicated. Even though the cost of fuel is significantly down, which we were moaning about loads before, the price of our food is actually increasing. Because, basically, we’re just utter bastards.”
Some bloke calls for decriminalisation of weed
9th March 2016
Officially rated ‘Critically Endangered’ on the WWF’s Species Extinction Scale, the Liberal Democrats have called for the decriminalisation of cannabis, claiming it would raise £1bn in taxes.
These claims were made using a massive marketing push by Tim Farron, the last known remaining LibDem. It was noticed by an alert and conscientious hacker, Simon Williams, poking around in the deep web.
“I was really getting into some very techie stuff, looking at some really disturbing things: generating dodgy Bravissimo voucher numbers, downloading 3d printer blueprints for a Kanye West sex doll, that kind of thing, and there it was! It popped up on my phone’s Facebook app. It appears I’m the only person left in the ‘LibDem’ group.”
Decriminalising weed would also allow most sports to lift bans on their star players, allowing them to recommence competing professionally. This would also generate funds via taxes, on the fees their accountants would charge for smuggling their vast earnings into Swiss and Cayman Islands offshore accounts.
A pro-drugs agenda would also be a boon to Nike, allowing them to restart throwing money at people just to wear some garish trainers.
Tim Farron admitted smoking the drug, generating pages and pages of people shrugging and yawning. ‘I did! I did!’ he yelled. ‘Then I went to the garage and ate four packs of Smarties.’
Tens of thousands of people on the internet were subsequently outraged. ‘SMARTIES!?’ one typed in capitals. ‘Do you know how much sugar is in them?!’
The trial continues.
Pledge to Pump Billions Into Banks Leads Banks to Vote For Brexit
9th March 2016
Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney pledge to support banks in the event of Brexit, has led to banks fully supporting Brexit.
A leading insider stated “What the banking industry likes is the easiest way to make money. And giving us billions of spondulicks for literally doing sod all bar ticking a box on a sheet of paper is literally the easiest thing.”
Another investment banker was not entirely convinced. “I dunno. I mean, he’s expecting me to get up of this ridiculous pile of cash - I mean look how far down that is; that’s got to violate Health and Safety legislation - then walk - WALK, no less! - to a polling station and tick a box on a sheet of paper. I’ve not used a pen in YEARS! I can’t buy one as no-one will accept a cocaine-covered fifty.”
Trailing financial analyst Simon Williams explains further: “Billions of pounds pumped into the banks means the banks wouldn’t have to worry about extracting it from the general public via exorbitant overdraft fees or whatever charge it is they have now for things like ‘thinking about spending money on food’, so they’d probably just shut the door, stop giving people access to their own cash and not even bother filling the cash machines up.
“From a very much more pragmatic perspective, it’s difficult to see where this additional money is going to come from, given that the banks have already got all the fucking money there is. You only have to walk past a branch to see cash filling it up the ceiling and in most cases spilling out of anywhere that’s not air-tight. My own branch’s windows are bulging out, which doesn’t explain why they keep telling me they need more from me every month.”
The branch manager commented “Awesome! AND we’ll be able to burn those Euros taking up that last bit of space.”
Trumpton Early Experiment for ‘Trump-run Superstate’
7th March 2016
Trumpton has been revealed to be an early experiment for a Donald Trump-led superstate.
An area of wooden, expressionless puppets designed to appease an audience of childish sensibilities, Iowa was the first of Donald Trump’s victories to play out the trial for real.
Wooden puppet and American political commentator Simon Williams says ‘At nine o’clock every morning, Mr Clamp would show off his fine display of vegetables. Ironically, that’s when Mr Clamp greets his staff.’
‘Who doesn’t want Trump to lead the United States? Exactly what they need is for every seventh person to be a fireman.’
‘It is clear in times of crisis that we need many more of them than anything else,’ a spokesman for Trump may well have said. ‘As is only right and proper, only one of every six firefighters would be afforded the luxury of a first name; probably Barney. Like the dinosaur.
‘And every single one of them will be required to play a musical instrument.’’
Windy Miller’s abject failure in his attempts to run a windmill are thought to have contributed significantly to Mr Trump’s thoughts on climate change.
There are no immigrants in Trumpton, nor Camberwick Green; also an early run-through for a Trump-invaded Mexico.
Fraser Forster Revealed As Superhero ‘Guardian’
3rd March 2016
Southampton and England goalkeeper Fraser Forster has been revealed to be the superhero monikered ‘Guardian’.
‘Guardian’ has been recently prowling the streets of the South Coast, solving crimes ranging from exceeding the annual limit for an ISA to genocide.
When pressed, Police Commissioner Simon Williams admitted ‘Goddamit, yes! This is off the record, right?’
Breaking our journalistic code of conduct, he continued: ‘Some vigilante has been solving all the crime in the greater Southampton area. The police here haven’t had to do anything since 2014. Haven’t been able to, in fact, cos he’s scared us all shitless.
Suspicions were originally aroused when a number of supporters noted his sticky-out jawline, pinprick eyes and the insane proportionality of his height. These rumours grew when people began to point out his comic book physique, alliterated name and the fact that he is regularly seen wearing a ridiculous green costume every Saturday.
Speaking through a Dutch accent, Southampton Manager Ronald Koeman said ‘He has seemed a bit tired every morning, but I first put it down to him not really being a morning person.
‘I figured it out when he turned up to training in a mask. He tried to get out of it by claiming he had a facial injury, but it turns out he’d just forgotten to take it off. The cape was a dead giveaway anyway.’
Murder Turns Out to Be Legal After All
18th February 2016
After complications in the legal system, it turns out that murder is legal after all.
Some legal bods looked at some legal cases in a legal way, and smashing your relatives over the head with a candlestick in the drawing room turns out to be fine after all.
Simon Williams, head of the ‘Campaign for the Legalisation of Murder’ said “Well, this is a right kick in the balls. I’ve got nothing to do with my time now. And I’m thoroughly pissed off about all that time I spent building the patio.”
Legal expert Johnny Haytes-Jarss explains: “After all this time, we’ve wasted valuable resource chasing down these ‘so-called’ murderers, who were acting within the boundaries of society after all. It’s time to redeploy our efforts into catching the real criminals: people who put more than £15,240 into their ISA really are the scum of the earth.”
The game of Cluedo has already been withdrawn from sale, though Hasbro have quickly released the costumes so you can play it ‘for real’.
All Detectives in Police forces up and down the country have been reassigned to traffic control.
Kanye asks Zuckerburg for £1billion to make dreams reality
15th February 2016
Kanye West has asked Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg to invest £1 billion dollars to make his dreams real.
Not just to make his ‘dreams come true’, but to actually make his dreams a reality.
He plans to use the investment to make his ephemeral slumber’s thoughts tangible.
Terrifying people as they sleep and often nonsensical, West is already in debt to the tune of $50 million (£36 million)
He explains: ‘Ever since they invented that Higgs Boson, we can just give mass to anything. So I just thought, can’t we just HiggsBosonify my dreams! Amazing! I don’t know why Kanye ain’t thought of it before.’
Style guru Simon Will.i.amz says ‘This is a top-notch idea from Kanye. He the man. Just imagine... Then having that ‘imagine’ in solid form in your hands. It blows the mind what this guy can do.’
West also requires investment for other ideas, such as moving in next door to God, wellington boots for genitalia and promising to mend the saying ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’.
HRMC Pays No Tax
12th February 2016
The UK Tax Office pays no tax whatsoever, despite turnover of half a trillion pounds.
Tax expert Simon Williams says ‘It does seem unfair that huge corporations like UK Government can bully the naive little boys of business, like Google, and make them pay £120m. They then take every single penny of that for themselves.
‘It’s pure, democratic, legal greed.’
Williams explains further. ‘They are using a little known loophole in the system known as ‘being the tax collector’. Although this is technically legal, it is frowned upon and even those known to aggressively pursue tax avoidance schemes don’t usually stoop so low.’
Taxtavist William Simons agrees. ‘Furthermore, HRMC then claim for taxable expenses, meaning that money is literally appearing from thin air. Only something Paul Daniels has been able to do in the past.
‘That works out at an effective tax rate of around minus 10%, which is not only obscene, it’s downright negative.’
HRMC promise to address the situation by mumbling and looking confused at a hearing before the Commons Public Accounts Committee at the end of the tax year.