Articles

Satire!

I write for various satirical websites. Here is some of that stuff including my NewsThump, Stencil Hoss, Rochdale Herald and Screen Idle back catalogues.

UAE seeking plaudits for pardoning ‘spy’ who can’t read or speak the language he was sent to spy in
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 27 November 2018

Very rich people happy to find that undermining democracy only costs £135,000
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 6 November 2018

Parents of head teachers facing fine for them missing a day at school
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 28 September 2018

Planet Earth to search for better deal by switching away from the Sun as main energy provider
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 24 August 2018

'Wenger In' signs appearing at Emirates stadium after new manager's pathetic start
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 13 August 2018

Roads become self-healing as tarmac melts to fill potholes
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 3 July 2018

New law designed to stop you receiving unwanted email generating terabytes of unwanted email
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Very rich people happy to discover that undermining our democracy only costs £70,000
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 11 May 2018

Man forgoes writing will in lieu of leaving set of instructions for remote controls
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Monday, 20 August 2018

Ticketmaster resale sites up for sale on black market at 1500% of face value
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Thursday, 16 August 2018

HMRC involved in huge tax avoidance scam
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Tom and Jerry agree to mediation
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Monday, 13 August 2018

Trump refuses to let genie leave until she grants him infinite wishes
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Friday, 10 August 2018

Man decides it's easier to be climate change denier than waste his life washing out food containers
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 3 May 2018

TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 25 April 2018

“I was having a wee the other day and all I could hear was a heartfelt ballad from the cubicle about how the loo roll was running down.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 17 April 2018

We then revel in him dropping the popcorn whilst watching twenty-five minutes of the showing before realising he’s in the wrong screen.
Posted by Screen Idle on Thursday, 5 April 2018

However, now fans will be able to see what all the punching was actually about by buying the DVD and watching it all again with expressions such as ‘Ohhhh! I see!’ and ‘That’s why that happened!’
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 2 April 2018

‘Being John Malkovich in Cloverfield’: monsters who all look like John Malkovich through the eyes of John Malkovich!
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 21 March 2018

People stuck overnight on motorways to be charged council tax
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 1 March 2018

Over the years, Lord Sauron has faced criticism over the alleged poor treatment of the orcs, using their unquestioning loyalty to force them fight beautiful people for very little reward.
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 27 February 2018

“Over the next week we spent in there, I tell you, we could not have made it any funnier if we tried. It’s like the Keystone Cops making a Carry On movie at Benny Hill speed.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Thursday, 22 February 2018

BBC 'class divide' based upon how you pronounce 'class divide'
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 26 February 2018

BT and Sky TV will not allow Nuclear Winter Premiership break
Posted by The Rochdale Herald on Monday, 19 February 2018

“Chandler will not actually drive any of the cars, but will stand at the side of each and every segment offering disparaging, humorous remarks.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Last two ISIS ‘Beatles’ fighting over who has to be Jihadi Ringo
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 9 February 2018

You can’t write a beautiful inspiring story then just bang the name ‘Hang The DJ’ on the credits and claim that’s it’s grim!
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 31 January 2018

“Then this fellow jumped in front of me out of nowhere and roared, ‘I am Black Panther!’, which was an indication that things were not as I expected.
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 24 January 2018

Scumbag state school students still somehow getting places at Oxbridge, complain posh people
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 20 October 2017

Beleaguered Theresa May adds name to list requesting leadership contest
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 6 October 2017

Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 3 October 2017

“There are now so many Planet of the Apes films that they have themselves started to evolve.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 3 October 2017

“After three months of undergoing four or five hours of daily makeup to appear as a naked woman, it became clear that perhaps the role should go to someone who already has these bits”
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 25 September 2017

Experts warn googling 'Craig David' can lead to malicious websites containing music of Craig David
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 20 September 2017

“I am passionate about extending somewhat threadbare material into some very long films. Look what I did with The Hobbit, which is essentially a leaflet of a fantasy story”
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 18 September 2017

Roy Hodgson sacked by Crystal Palace just hours before being given manager's job
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 12 September 2017

After years of constant development, the movie adaptation of million-selling book ‘Windows XP for Dummies’ has finally been canned.
Posted by Screen Idle on Friday, 18 August 2017

My Little Pony fans will treated to reworked hits such as All Hope Is Gone, Pulse of the Maggots and People=Sh*t
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 14 August 2017

“I think there is something really wrong with the screening I saw! The whole screen was fuzzy right through the whole showing! “
Posted by Screen Idle on Friday, 11 August 2017

Marvel Comics Universe under threat after Microsoft withdraws Paint https://www.screen-idle.com/marvel-comics-universe-threat-microsoft-withdraws-paint/
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Microsoft advises customers to avoid paying hackers lots of money by paying lots of money to Microsoft
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 15 May 2017

8 million unregistered voters preparing to start voter registration process one hour before deadline
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 20 April 2017

Douglas Carswell quits UKIP after being told he can't wear leggings
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 27 March 2017

Wrong Oscar Accountants Get Death Threats After Mailman Mixes Up Envelopes
Posted by The Burrard Street Journal on Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Newcastle United 2017/18 kit to feature crotchless shorts as Mike Ashley bids for Agent Provocateur
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 2 March 2017

Another major blow for Claudio Ranieri... #LCFC #RanieriOut
Posted by Burrard Street Football on Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Date announced for In/Out Referendum on whether Ketchup should be kept in fridge Which way will you vote?
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 9 February 2017

Parliament decides it's vital we shoot ourselves in the correct foot
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 2 February 2017

Supreme Court Brexit decision to be written on the side of a bus
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Man Utd to leave Premier League to concentrate on Deloitte Football Money League
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 19 January 2017

Debilitating sherry addiction forces Santa into AA
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Liz Truss fails to condemn Daily Mail due to fear of being condemned by the Daily Mail
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 8 November 2016

‘Budgie Nine’ strippers guilty of making Formula 1 more interesting
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 6 October 2016

Everyone baffled how anyone in football can still be caught by a 'sting operation'
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Clarkson’s new show to be socially responsible celebration of diversity and environment
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 19 September 2016

Man failing to give tiniest of shits about work as summer holiday approaches
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 26 August 2016

Team GB lose dressage silver medals after doping tests reveal pantomime horse
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 15 August 2016

Government happy to take a cheque for Duke of Westminster's £3.6bn Inheritance tax settlement
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Poll shows Remain vote briefly hit ‘150%' after Michael Gove hints at resignation
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Qatar makes it illegal to be murdered
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Chilcot Report to be published after finally agreeing suitable ending with publishers
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Mitsubishi makes podium in data falsification Grand Prix
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Buy-to-let landlords demand ‘extortionate’ rise in sympathy
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

North Korea tests new long range missile rhetoric
Posted by NewsThump on Saturday, 9 April 2016

Jack Wilshere disappointed at still not being let into nightclubs
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 4 April 2016

Google's self-driving car to sue after 'accident at work'
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 18 March 2016

Google AI beats international ‘Guess Who?’ champion
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Nike run out of athletes
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 8 March 2016

People who own shares in banks failing to attract any sympathy whatsoever
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 12 February 2016

Tightwad Liverpool fans bemoan new £7m ticket price
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 10 February 2016

Government wouldn’t be in this mess if Boris Johnson’s dad had stuck to his Withdrawal Agreement
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 15 November 2018

Brexit proving people who ‘like to tell it how it is’ really don’t ‘like to hear it how it is’
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 22 October 2018

Nobel Prize Awarded To Jody Whittaker For Her Work On Time Travel #theconchnews https://theconchnews.com/nobel-prize-awarded-to-jody-whittaker-for-her-work-on-time-travel/
Posted by The Conch News on Monday, 15 October 2018

Mary Poppins Returns subtitle finally revealed as ‘Mary Delivers a Brexit That’s Practically Perfect in Every Way
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 18 September 2018

Nigel Farage comeback ruined by fact he never went away
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 20 August 2018

As he only owns a clapped out old Volvo with 600,000 miles on the clock. He turns to the only place he knows how to make a quick buck: Uber.
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 13 August 2018

“We took the decision to not reveal the title so as not to give away the Infinity War spoiler, which is that Infinity War is all the story you’re getting.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 15 May 2018

“The follow-up will have aliens who can only hunt by complete silence, so the lead character will be a one-man band who lives inside a reversing truck.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 8 May 2018

One review, expected to be actually voiced by Ryan Reynolds himself, will hit you first on one cheek, then the other,...
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 1 May 2018

Moth finally reaches moon
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Monday, 20 August 2018

Archangels tried to get God fired after ‘complacency’ of Day 7
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Friday, 17 August 2018

Tom and Jerry agree to mediation
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Monday, 13 August 2018

High Street to close all branches after poor sales
Posted by Stencil Hoss on Thursday, 9 August 2018

An all-star cast is led by Matt Damon, who plays a block. Ben Affleck has already signed up to play his best friend, a block. As has George Clooney – to play a block, Brad Pitt will play a block.
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Radiohead settle copyright spat with Remoaners over moaning and whining
Posted by The Rochdale Herald on Monday, 9 April 2018

Parents teach kids reality of Tory Government by sending them out on non-existent Easter egg hunt on April Fools’ Day
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 2 April 2018

“So I got a labrador from a pet shop and shoved him in a karate outfit.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Thursday, 22 March 2018

“The amount of people who have rung us with gearbox problems ALONE is incomprehensible! “
Posted by Screen Idle on Thursday, 1 March 2018

UK ‘severely ill-prepared’ after test run of Nuclear Winter
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Republicans demand Second Amendment be changed remove right to 'not bear arms'
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 22 February 2018

“In retrospect, I think hitting the T-Rex with a whip narked him off rather than got him to ‘Sit!’ Barbara Woodhouse has a lot to answer for.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 12 February 2018

“Then the executives demanded that this week’s technical challenge be instead replaced by a drag race between Charlize Theron and The Rock.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Thursday, 8 February 2018

New characters Emma Peel and John Steed will join the team in Avengers: Infinity War
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 30 January 2018

This series will concentrate on how the blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids reach their single objective of enslaving the human race.
Posted by Screen Idle on Thursday, 18 January 2018

David Davis desperately hoping for new job in Cabinet reshuffle
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 8 January 2018

“Tensions will be further increased as Woody’s other half, Beau Peep, takes Buzz’s side in the arguments, with their relationship already fraught, having been together for 20 years.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 15 January 2018

Liverpool to spend £99.4m of Coutinho money panic-buying Andy Carroll
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 10 January 2018

New Dolly Grip Samuel L Liotta continued, “So great to join this team! I’m sure no-one will notice the changes and we’ll...
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 17 October 2017

“I’ve already devised a 247-film story arc that will start with the Desperate Dan origins story. That will be followed by how Dennis became a Menace then how the Bash Street Kids formed.” @BeanoOfficial
Posted by Screen Idle on Sunday, 8 October 2017

Trump: "Blame on both sides" of Las Vegas lone gunman shooting
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 3 October 2017

In the film’s climactic scene, Vin Diesel, who the Government are banning from 2040, will tear away from some lights,...
Posted by Screen Idle on Monday, 2 October 2017

Cruise admitted, “It’s always been my dream to play the role of a generic politician desperately trying to sound earnest and genuine as she lies, bare-faced, to millions of UK citizens watching.”
Posted by Screen Idle on Friday, 22 September 2017

Rather than the usual route of destroying all your memories of a brilliant film, by putting Owen Wilson in it for instance, we thought why not pick a really appalling film and make it work.
Posted by Screen Idle on Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Wayne Rooney finally beats Sir Bobby Charlton's drink-driving record
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 18 September 2017

Liverpool Agree To Sign Most Mediocre Arsenal Programme Seller For Club Record Fee
Posted by Burrard Street Football on Tuesday, 5 September 2017

“The plot will see us follow a Lego man with a 70s moustache as he offers to fix dodgy boilers of other Lego characters throughout a town named ‘Block-nksville’.
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Early showings of the Radiohead biopic get better and better until around halfway through, when the film takes a turn for the weird from which point no-one really understands what’s going on.
Posted by Screen Idle on Wednesday, 16 August 2017

It will tell the story of how main character Synonym makes the trepidatious and terrifying journey from Analogue to Metonym
Posted by Screen Idle on Sunday, 13 August 2017

Every initial cinema release will now by advertised as ‘beta’ and retroactively fix glaring continuity issues, plot holes and disastrous miscastings.
Posted by Screen Idle on Friday, 11 August 2017

Tories decide kids no longer need free school meals now they’re being so well-fed by food banks
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 19 May 2017

Brain wonderdrug 'could help Brexit voters'
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 21 April 2017

Man who called Obama ‘founder of ISIS’ happy to create new power vacuum for ISIS to thrive in
Posted by NewsThump on Sunday, 9 April 2017

Extremists threaten to quit YouTube after finding their videos shown alongside ads for Daily Mail
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 20 March 2017

Bros scrap majority of tour dates after learning they’re not famous yet
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 6 March 2017

Leicester City To Sack Manager Every Week In Attempt To Avoid Relegation.
Posted by Burrard Street Football on Thursday, 2 March 2017

Sir Philip Green strikes deal to keep knighthood for £363m
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Donald J. Trump advisors deny gas chambers are currently under construction by U.S. government, merely ‘alternative air environments’.
Posted by The Burrard Street Journal on Tuesday, 7 February 2017

Theresa May agrees to 'prudent vajazzle' before meeting President Trump
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 27 January 2017

Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 19 January 2017

Iceberg insists it can thrive on its own after winning referendum to leave Antarctica
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 6 January 2017

Vegetarians no longer allowed to eat £5 notes
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 29 November 2016

High Court Brexit decision to be written on the side of a bus
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 4 November 2016

Tyson Fury quits boxing to concentrate on misogyny and homophobia
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Mary Berry made bookies’ favourite for England manager
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Eggs and Flour announce they are to leave Great British Bake Off
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 22 September 2016

Britain shocked by unexpected heat wave caused by enormous ever-present burning nuclear reactor in sky
Posted by NewsThump on Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Long battle ends as Wile E Coyote finally wins dyspraxia status
Posted by NewsThump on Monday, 22 August 2016

New Star Trek addresses equality concerns with conjoined triplet central characters
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 12 August 2016

Guess Who? Tory Cabinet Edition tops sales chart
Posted by NewsThump on ">Friday, 1 April 2016

Sir John Chilcot signs lucrative five-report deal with publishers
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Rise in compensation claims by those mis-sold a life outside the EU
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Britain's nuclear deterrent software written by child on a ZX Spectrum
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

New Taliban Leader revealed to be Michael Gove
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Arseholes can no longer be discriminated against
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Woman who said streaming doesn't pay enough named UK’s wealthiest female musician
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Dinosaurs were in decline long before asteroid strike due to ‘Pangaexit’
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Buy-to-let landlords demand ‘extortionate’ rise in sympathy
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Fallout 4: Tax Evasion wins top prize at games BAFTAs
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 8 April 2016

Buy-to-let landlords demand ‘extortionate’ rise in sympathy
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 1 April 2016

Osborne to prepare kids for 40-hour week doing something they hate
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 17 March 2016

Teachers spit out tea at claims they can earn £65k
Posted by NewsThump on Wednesday, 9 March 2016

David Attenborough's Planet Earth 2 to be co-hosted by Olly Murs
Posted by NewsThump on Thursday, 3 March 2016

Dynamo revealed as Wizard
Posted by NewsThump on Friday, 12 February 2016

Unpublished articles can be found here.

Wedding Blog

In the run-up to my wedding in Summer 2010, I wrote almost regularly for the prestigious male-oriented website Staggered.com.
The Romantic Proposal (2010/03/09)
Fayre Dos (2010/03/15)
Petty On Pink (2010/03/25)
And How Much Will *That* Cost? (2010/04/06)
Grooming For Grooms (2010/04/20)
Invites of Passage (2010/04/26)
Flower Powerless (2010/05/17)
Stag Don't (2010/05/21)
Telephonophobia (2010/05/31)
I Am, Quite Literally, Staggered: First Blood (part 1) and Electric Boogaloo (part 2) (2010/06/08)
I Am, Quite Literally, Staggered: Back to Perfection (part 3) (2010/06/28)
Rings: My Bell (2010/07/05)
The End is Nigh (2010/07/26)
A Perfect Day (2010/08/27)
Thought For Food (2010/09/07)
Real Grooms (2010/09/23)
First Dance Macabre (2010/10/04)
Man On The 'Moon: Travel Counselling (2010/10/13)
Man On The 'Moon: Bounty Hunting (2010/11/02)
Best Laid Table Plans (2010/11/16)
Six Wedding Arguments and How To Win Them (2010/12/08)
Fraughtography (2011/05/26)